Becca Itkowitz left the United States with her husband and two young sons and lived in Denmark for three years. My sons loved Denmark because their parents and school embraced a non-helicopter parenting culture. The family was shocked and disappointed by the pampering of their children. when they returned to America.
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This spoken essay is based on a conversation with Becca Itkowitz, 48, from Illinois. She is featured in a new book, The Danish Secret to Happy Kids, which champions Scandinavian parenting. Her interview with Business Insider has been edited for length and clarity.
A few months after the family returned to their native America from Denmark, they received a call from the principal of their son Max’s school.
He made a snowball during recess and was in trouble even though he didn’t throw it at anyone. The principal said, “Anything picked up could be used as a weapon, so it is prohibited.”
They stopped and waited for my reaction. I thought it was a joke and started laughing. Then I realized that wasn’t the case. “I’ll talk to Max when he gets home,” I said.
When we talked to him, it seemed as absurd to my then 10-year-old son as it did to me. “This is ridiculous,” he said. “I didn’t mean to hurt anyone.”
We agreed that it’s ridiculous that you can’t make a snowball or even pick up a stick without discipline.
This experience was in stark contrast to Max’s treatment at the school in Denmark, where we lived for three years from 2014 to 2017, and how we, his parents, treated him.
There, children were actively encouraged to build outdoor shelters out of wooden logs, go into town on their own, and use public transport.
When we lived in Denmark, we were left to others to raise our children.
They were given a level of freedom that fostered a sense of adventure, a quality that gave them independence and confidence.
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Max was 7 years old and his younger brother Evan was 5 when we moved to Denmark for my husband’s job at Lego. They were doing a lot for themselves, such as walking or biking to places within a safe distance.
I was surprised at first. As Americans, we were programmed to expect a white van to pull up and take our children. But then we got sucked into a hands-off culture.
Children in Denmark do not start school until they are six years old, so they are encouraged not to rely on adults from the beginning. They almost always go outside during recess and dress appropriately for the weather. Learn how to take off your coat and rain boots and store them in a locker.
Several times when I picked Max up from school, I saw him and his classmates baking bread over a bonfire in the schoolyard. The dough is wrapped around a stick or baked in a circular motion on hot bricks around a fire.
When Evan was a teenager, after we moved back to Illinois, I offered to throw a fall bonfire in the backyard for his friends. People thought the boys were going to set the neighborhood on fire. From my experience in Denmark, it was a complete 180 degree. The kids knew to be careful.
The children had fun building a fort using logs in the forest.
Denmark’s playgrounds are securely fenced, but tunnels, nooks and crannies have been installed to allow children to do whatever they want away from adults. Designed to welcome play.
Max really enjoyed his lessons because they were creative. Children might bring a box of yarn and fabric and work together to make a costume. Or we would go out to collect branches to build a fort in the woods near our school.
At his school, lunch was served home-style. The children set the table and each served from a large plate in the middle. They ate a variety of hams and cheeses. Conversation arose and we encouraged each other to try different foods. Then they clean up after themselves.
Eight years ago, we moved back to the United States. Although we were shocked at first that our children no longer have freedom at school, we love living here. But I am grateful for the opportunity to raise my children in Denmark, at least for a while. It set them on the path to a more independent future.
Do you have an interesting story to share with Business Insider about different parenting and teaching styles outside of the United States? Send your details to jridley@businessinsider.com.
