Same-sex parenting: Sape Maodi Swartz and Vivi ‘Vee’ Swartz are proud mothers to Rainbow
Mzansi was in deep shock when one of South Africa’s most prominent same-sex couples, Sape Maodi Swartz and Vivi “Vee” Swartz, shared the exciting news that they were expecting a baby in June. I was excited.
With a combined fan following of over 340,000 people on social media, this stylish duo has been a beacon of love and recognition. Together for nearly 16 years, they have boldly used their love story to normalize and affirm same-sex relationships in South Africa.
The couple spoke candidly about incorporating traditional lobola customs into their engagement and the challenges they faced in registering their marriage with the Ministry of Interior.
Vee, a procurement advisor, and Sape, an NGO expert specializing in international human rights, graced the pages of True Love magazine’s Colors of Love edition in 2019 and were named cutest at the Feather Awards in 2020. They won Couple of the Year. (They were nominated in this year’s Best Rainbow Parenting category.)
Now the proud mothers of a young son affectionately known as “Rainbow,” Sape and Vee are happily documenting their parenting journey on social media. We sat down with them to talk about their decision to become parents, their journey to making that dream a reality, and how their lives have changed since Rainbow arrived.
Did you both always imagine having a baby?
Vee: Starting a family was always part of our plans, as we wanted children from an early age. We chose our baby’s name years ago and have always prayed that it would become a reality.
Sape: I also always imagined having a baby and a family, but after finding love and seeing Vee’s maternal instincts shine every time she had nieces and nephews, that desire only grew stronger. It got bigger and bigger. Our long-term plans always include baby rainbows.
Was it important to you to have children of your own?
Vee: Our desire to become parents has never focused on having children of our own. We were open to adopting if having a child of our own was not possible. Although we have always played the role of parents in our children’s lives, we have realized that we do not need to have children to be considered parents.
Sape: Vee and I agree on this. We believe that biology does not change the love that parents have for the precious creatures they raise.
What was the biggest concern you had before embarking on this journey?
Vee: What to do if a process fails. But regardless of the outcome, we always relied on the fact that we had each other’s support.
Sape: Another big concern was the process of raising children and whether they could afford to raise them in this economy. That’s why we waited so long to make sure we were completely ready for the process and in the best condition to raise our child.
How did your family react to your decision to have a child?
Vee: We always hinted to our family that we were planning to have children, but we didn’t tell anyone when we started the process. It was a secret between the two of us until we found out we were pregnant.
Sape: When I told her that I was having a baby, she was very happy. Our family has always supported us and been very protective. They threw us a beautiful gender reveal party filled with warmth, joy, and love. And from the moment Rainbow was born, both families hugged her and showered her with love.
How much planning and research went into the process before you were ready to conceive?
Vee: We did a lot of research and relied on referrals from people who had undergone this process. We were very fortunate to be introduced to one of the best medical professionals in the country. They not only gave us advice and guidance, but were also very supportive and encouraging. This is not the first time we have worked professionally, and previous attempts have not provided us with the level of advice and support we need to move the process forward.
How much did you plan for the financial aspects of raising children?
Vee: We started saving years ago, but COVID-19 hit us negatively and we had to re-evaluate our plans. What we didn’t want to do was have a child that we couldn’t financially support, so that was a big consideration. But when we were confident enough that we could afford the surgery and have enough to raise a child, we started thinking about other factors such as emotional and psychological health. .
Mental health and wellbeing is so important and we want to make sure that you are healthy and capable, especially in the early stages, to start this journey and cope with the challenges that come with parenting. Ta. We also need to examine the traditional and cultural aspects of child-rearing, especially what is required from both cultures, and what we are willing to compromise for the best interests and welfare of the child. I had to consider whether I wanted to compromise on this. We had to consult with our parents and learned a lot in the process.
And what about legality?
Sape: We are in a fortunate position because South Africa has one of the best laws in the world that gives married same-sex couples equal parental rights. We were listed as Parent A and Parent B on our child’s birth certificate. The process was easy and by the time I was discharged from the hospital I had a birth certificate. Both of us were also able to take parental leave. For both of us, it was important to be fully present during the first few months of our baby’s life.
Can you tell us how Rainbow was conceived?
Sape: Our baby was conceived through in vitro fertilization (IVF) and we chose an anonymous sperm donor from an agency.
Vee: I am a carrier and used my wife’s embryo.
What kind of conversations took place when deciding who would carry the baby?
Vee: For us, it didn’t matter who carried it or whose embryos we used. We took blood tests and that determined our future direction. We received guidance and advice from experts who guided us to get the best results. The fact that I carried the baby was a great surprise to many and even our family. And it also sparked debate. This was a reminder that women who identify as lesbians, masculine or not, should not be boxed in or expected to conform to society’s norms and standards. . Their choice to reproduce should not be determined by people’s expectations, their assumptions, or heteronormative understandings of gay identity.
What was the most difficult or complicated part of your journey to parenthood?
Sape: Despite the risks associated with pregnancy, we were actually able to have a very peaceful and beautiful trip, considering that the Down Syndrome screening test determined we were high risk due to a variety of factors. , one of which was Vee’s age. We decided to perform non-invasive prenatal testing (NIPT) to obtain further screening results. It was the most stressful two weeks of my pregnancy, but I used that time to research and learn as much as I could about Down syndrome. About that matter. The other difficult part was keeping our pregnancy a secret by choice. This meant that Vee had to spend a lot of time at home because she is a sociable person. This was extremely difficult. We’ve kept our pregnancy a secret because we wanted to talk about our trip in our own time. In retrospect, it allowed us to enjoy every moment, maintain peace, and fully immerse ourselves in this beautiful journey. We documented our entire journey for our kids to look back on and know they had it planned and prayed for, but it was also an awareness and educational journey to share.
Have you experienced discrimination in the healthcare system or healthcare system?
Vee: Not at all. All the professionals, nurses and support teams involved in our process were excellent and attentive to detail. It’s about the pronouns they used when referring to us, not speculating about carriers and donors and why. They respectfully gave us equality, privacy and dignity. This is great progress that we have witnessed and shows that we are moving in the right direction as a country and as a society.
What is the most surprising thing you learned on this journey?
Vee: The whole pregnancy process was amazing. (Laughs) We did some theoretical research on traveling and all the changes that the body endures, but the practical part was a huge learning curve that was both emotional and humorous at the same time. We learned so much about ourselves and learned new layers about our strengths and weaknesses that we would not have been able to tap into if we hadn’t taken this journey.
Sape: For me, it was the traditional aspect and how two cultures and traditions came together to ensure the health and protection of the baby.
Please tell us about your little son and what he means to you.
Sape: His nickname is Rainbow. Because He has given us beautiful blessings after the storms of our lives. He is the most beautiful human being I have ever seen. I know all parents say that about their kids. –But for me, it was love at first sight. And how lucky I am to have witnessed love at first sight twice, first with my wife and now with my son.
Vee: He means the world to us. He literally answers our prayers and wraps us around His little finger. I can’t wait to see him grow. Our days may be spent changing diapers, feeding, arranging nap times, and trying to figure out parenting tips, but his smiles and giggles fills us. We remain grateful that he is our baby and want to do our best to give him the best life and love he deserves.
How has becoming a parent changed your life, both practically and in terms of your outlook on life?
Sape: Our lives are completely different. I keep wondering what you did with your free time. (Laughs) Now, we are busy every second of the day, from the moment our busy bodies wake us up to the moment he falls asleep at night. But we are so emotionally fulfilled that we wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Vee: The power of maternal love has changed our outlook on life. Where before all our attention was focused on each other, now everything we do, think, do and decide is for the best of our bundle of joy. One thing I’m thankful for is that we haven’t lost the love or spark (between us). This is very important to us because we don’t want to lose ourselves in this parenting journey. So I keep checking to make sure I don’t lose what I have. It also helped keep the home a safe and conducive place for the baby to grow, especially during those early critical developmental years. We are also very protective of our peace and are conscious and intentional about what and who we pay attention to.
What advice would you give to other queer people or same-sex couples looking to start a family?
Vee: The most important advice I would give is for couples to communicate on the same page about their desire to start a family, the type of family they want, and their plans for it.
Sape: I would advise couples to make sure they are psychologically and emotionally prepared and supported as they embark on this journey. This journey will never be easy, so make sure your relationship is a safe place to be open and vulnerable. But with the right people and support, you can enjoy the best moments and find humor in difficult times.
Vee: One thing I have always appreciated on this journey is that the best decision anyone can make is to shut out public opinion, social norms, and expectations and do what makes you happy. That means there is. Hearing that reminded me of my coming out journey. Doing what people expect of you will only rob you of your freedom, dreams, and happiness. So just be true to yourself and do what makes you happy in life…the rest will fall into place.
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