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Dear care and food,
A friend of mine has a child who is pregnant for the first time. Her child is now 3 years old, and she does not let him feed himself, dress himself, or get dirty.
She removed her children from daycare because they “came home dirty” every day. The child (understandably) begins to act out due to coercive repression. What happens to children when parents refuse to allow them to get dirty, learn life skills like feeding themselves, or have agency over their own choices? I am really worried about this child’s development and worried about how this will shape their future.
–A worried acquaintance
Dear concerned,
Simply put, when we over-parent our children and keep them confined to hygienic environments, a number of things can happen. One of my favorite books on this topic is Balanced and Barefoot, written by an occupational therapist. This book discusses how a lack of free play in nature can dramatically impact children’s core strength, balance, proprioception, and even the prevention of minor injuries. . Richard Louv’s work further explores the dangers of living indoors, away from nature, not just for us but for the planet. And in his recently released bestseller, An Anxious Generation, he explores the transition from a play-based childhood (getting dirty, taking risks, doing things for yourself) to a phone-based childhood. We analyze the negative effects it has had on people’s health and self-management. regulation, social development, etc. Additionally, a Google search will bring up a plethora of articles about how today’s young people are unable to adequately deal with failure, hardship, and conflict as a result of overprotective and overinvolved parenting.
Help! Every year I make plans to escape my in-laws’ multi-day Christmas festivities. They are catching up. My child’s teacher assigned my son a project that would definitely turn him into an incel helper! My wife wants me to cook more. But when I do, she taints my meal. I’m a housewife. I’m worried about what my husband is spending our money on.
I’m afraid I’m suggesting that today’s parenting is a dark miasma of hurt children and misguided adults. The truth is, some days it’s very difficult to strike the right balance as a parent. You want your child to be safe yet brave. They want to focus on free play, but they also want to play travel soccer. You want to limit screen time, but you also need to be left alone to prepare dinner.
So, when I read your letter, I shared your concerns about what this type of parenting (as you described) could foster in young children. But again, I don’t know this mother. And you don’t even know how you would characterize that relationship. And I hate to imagine that you might take my reply here and show it to this mother and tell her to get in shape. I really hope that’s not your plan.
If you want to help but are not close to this mother, think of ways you can get involved at a community level. Push your school board to increase recess, volunteer at your local nature center, or be a neighbor and bring Super Soakers to your block party. Call out those members of your community who think free-range parenting is a mortal sin. This mother you write about isn’t the only one struggling to give her children everything they need. The more we can normalize free play, outdoor time, and independence, the better it will be for all of us.
—Alison
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