Dr. Tovah Klein says that helping children develop resilience to deal with life’s inevitable setbacks is the key to raising them into happy, successful adults.
Some parents think of resilience as a trait that a person either has or doesn’t have. The truth is “it’s much more dynamic,” says Klein, a child psychologist, author, and director of the Barnard College Center for Child Development.
Resilience is “the ability to adapt, adjust, be flexible, and be open to what’s coming your way,” Klein told CNBC Make It. “It’s difficult for everyone, but it’s (especially) difficult for children, and it’s something that develops over time.”
Experts say it’s worth helping children hone this skill. Research shows that resilient children are more likely to have the confidence to bounce back from failure and the initiative to continue taking the necessary risks.
In her latest book, Raising Resilience, published in September, Klein explores how parents can adjust their expectations and create nurturing relationships that allow their children to thrive in the face of adversity and uncertainty. It explains how to grow better. “We want our kids to be able to deal with the difficult, difficult, or bad things that happen in their lives,” Klein says. “Feeling like you can do it and that someone can help you.”
Here, we explore the “Five Pillars of Resilience” that Klein describes in her book, and how parents can use these strategies to help their children build the mental strength they need to succeed long-term. Here’s some advice on how to acquire it.
1. Building trust
One of the most important aspects of a parent-child relationship is trust, Klein says. When your child believes that you will support him and be there for him no matter what, he will develop confidence in himself and in others.
Building trust takes time, but the process is often accelerated in difficult moments, such as when you have to scold a child for not following the rules but reassure them that you still love them. “What the kids learn is, ‘Oh, we can leave and we can come back together again, and that actually builds trust,'” Klein says.
She added that her children understand that “even when I’m down, even when they’re not listening to me, they’re going to love me.”
Teaching your child that they can rely on you during the most difficult moments will help them grow stronger in the face of adversity in the future. “It takes an accident or a rupture to show the child that the relationship can be restored, and that’s where strength comes from,” she says.
2. Emotional regulation
Klein said children need to trust their parents enough to share their feelings, especially during difficult times. Similarly, parents should pay attention to and acknowledge their children’s feelings by asking if they are concerned and acknowledging their feelings when they are feeling down.
Once a child is comfortable talking about their emotions, parents can help them learn how to manage their emotions. Parenting experts say that as children get older, children who are better at managing their emotions are more likely to bounce back rather than fall apart in the face of adversity.
It takes an accident or rupture to show the child that this relationship can be restored. And that’s where strength comes from.
tova klein
Director, Barnard College Early Childhood Development Center
“Kids are constantly learning about emotions,” Klein says, and parents can help with that. “First, identify those emotions, but also try to get comfortable with those emotions, especially negative ones.”
In doing so, the child “understands, ‘Can I have these emotions, feel them, and learn how to deal with them without shame?'” she says. .
3. Develop a sense of independence
As children grow older and gain more confidence, they try to separate from their parents. Klein points out that to ideally foster this independence, parents need to do more than simply let their children go and wish them luck.
Children and teens need the reassurance that their parents are nearby, or just a text message away, to continue developing the confidence necessary to face the wider world and its challenges. I’m here. In her book, Klein recommends parents follow an “authoritative” parenting style, where parents gradually increase their children’s autonomy while establishing clear rules and expectations.
By talking to your children about their feelings and trusting them enough to take their opinions into account while setting limits, Klein says, you can foster self-confidence while fostering independence. That sense of security gives us the confidence to go out and explore the world, try new things, make mistakes, and develop a sense of personal self.
Klein told CNBC’s “Make It” that there are many “long, windy roads to independence.” “Teenagers screaming, ‘Get out! I don’t need you!’ The reality is that you need to be nearby or reachable.”
4. Connect with others
According to psychologists like Harvard University’s Robert Waldinger, learning how to form and maintain relationships with other people, from school friends to work colleagues, is critical to our overall well-being. It’s essential.
“Children bring trust and the ability to deal with themselves with confidence into their relationships with others,” Professor Klein said, adding, “Children develop relationships with people that extend beyond their core relationships with their parents.” “This creates empathy and compassion,” he added.
Empathy and compassion come from relating to people beyond your core relationship with your parents.
tova klein
Director, Barnard College Early Childhood Development Center
Klein recommends actively helping children develop their social skills. Plan a play date or group outing and play games that require teamwork.
Model good behavior as well. Demonstrating resilience through social skills can look like having a respectful disagreement with your spouse or calmly resolving a conflict with a stranger without losing your cool.
5. Being understood
Klein says that for children to like and love themselves, they need to feel fully accepted, and increasing self-awareness as a parent can help. Even if you consider yourself to be tolerant, your desires for your child can influence your judgment.
“Kids know when they’ve let us down,” Klein said. “Sometimes the mistake we make is thinking we’re more open about what we’re letting into our children than we actually are.”
Klein says it’s important to see your child as a different person and adjust your expectations accordingly. She recommends self-reflection when parents are unnecessarily critical of their children, even if it’s not expressed explicitly.
Another strategy recommended by many psychologists is to praise your child for the process rather than the outcome. By focusing on your efforts, you will know that you are valued, even if you get low test scores in school or don’t earn a spot on a college sports team.
Self-reflection and rethinking expectations can be a “difficult process” for many parents, Klein said. “But this is a very important part of raising a child: Are you able to see and accept your child as he or she is?” she says. “This is very important in helping your child become a good person who handles himself and has confidence in himself.”
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