This is part of Wedge Issues, a pop-up political advice column currently running during the election season. Submit your question here. Anonymous.
To everyone with wedge problems
My wife and I are both shocked as we just found out that she is pregnant with our first child. How can I stay calm when the country is on the brink of collapse, everything seems unstable, and the place I’m going to raise my children in looks so different than the place I grew up in?
–Who is your new father?
Dear new dad
I’ve been thinking about this too. In fact, the question “Should I have a baby now in these cursed times?” was actually one of the inspirations for this column, to get advice on the current social and political climate (and (Give!) It was also an opportunity. It was one interaction in particular. Law editor Jeremy Stahl had come from Los Angeles to cover the Trump hush money trial in New York. After his day in court, a few of us went out for drinks. By the way, Jeremy is the kind of person who left the country in 2005, explaining that one of the reasons for that was “partly because he didn’t want to experience a disastrous second Bush term.” So he doesn’t take the presidency lightly.
I asked him. If Trump wins again, and perhaps things go even further off the rails, is it worth having kids? I don’t remember his exact answer, so when I asked him again, his answer was It is as follows:
My first daughter was born in the middle of a pandemic, two weeks before the January 6th riots. For me, the easiest thing to say is that this was the best thing that ever happened to me (along with the birth of my baby girl (her little brother is 21 months later)). Having kids, even in the middle of it (rough gesture): highly recommended and would do so.
How do you explain the beauty and joy of having children to someone who has never had children before? It’s really hard! There’s a part where Jerry Seinfeld quotes Warren Beatty saying to him: “One of the great things God does is to never make childless people realize what they are missing.” Having been both a parent and a non-parent, I agree with these words. I wholeheartedly agree. What I’m saying is that for all the commonplace things people say, it opens up a part of you that you didn’t know you had, and it gives purpose and meaning to your life. But I didn’t know, blah, blah, blah. All the rest: It’s 100% accurate.
To be honest, I had a general idea of his answer, but I love hearing about how great it is to be a parent. Because I want a child. There are a lot of things about having children that don’t make logical sense to me. The cost, the political situation (how bad could this get?), climate change causing havoc that feels random (Asheville wasn’t supposed to flood!). , and on a more personal level, what I want to do is not have kids involved, and in fact having kids would hinder me. I’m pregnant and scared of traveling to a state where I don’t have access to medical care if something goes wrong. I’m a little scared of getting pregnant in a state where women’s health care is guaranteed. Do you know how much prodding and prodding from the doctor is involved in pregnancy? I’ve had an early miscarriage, so I have a little bit of a sense, so let me tell you: Aside from the lightheadedness, it’s happening ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so been so beenten the awful being pregnant. Before I could start trying to conceive, I needed to find an obstetrician-gynecologist who would accept my insurance and take my questions seriously. (My background is as a health reporter, so I have a lot of questions.) The point is, it’s all very uncomfortable and anxiety-inducing, even without existential musings about what the world will be like in 20 years. Or even what will happen next year.
But…I just want a child. I have for a long time. I don’t know if you’ve ever felt more or less ambivalent about it than I have. Have you been feeling scared for a while about the possibility of having a baby in this chaotic world, or is it just anxiety hitting you full force now that you’re feeling positive about getting pregnant? I don’t understand. Test it in your hands. But you seem convinced of the fact that you will become a father – the downside of your letter is external – so even if it’s an emotional one, you don’t know why you want a child. There is. There is something deeper within you than all the noise of what’s going on in the world.
What really helped me focus here was a novel called Leave the World Behind by Rumaan Alam. For me, that book is about the sheer joy of just being with my family while immense turmoil unfolds around us. It even speaks of the benefits of existing with your family, even if part of the family, and perhaps you personally, cannot actually survive the future. disaster. The novel takes place during a catastrophe that could cause societal collapse, but none of the main characters are able to know what is going on and they certainly do not take control of their situation. I can’t. But over the course of several days covered in this book, their lives go on. They swim, eat, and are affectionate with each other. I read this book just before the 2020 election. Between the coronavirus and the prospects for Trump’s next term, it felt like at that moment things would never get better, at least in the grand scheme of things. That’s why I found this story of disaster and family strangely comforting. The world is chaotic and could become even more chaotic. That’s a fact. Still, there will be plenty of fun time spent with the people you love and the children you dreamed of. There is nothing better than just being together.
So, to answer the actual question, “How do I stay calm?”, there are two answers. One is therapy, connecting with friends, taking medication if you’re feeling restless, exercising, and thinking to yourself why you’re having a child when things feel unstable. is. I’ve already experienced some disappointment in this process of miscarriage, but as I sit on the couch with my husband and our dog, we’re getting through this, grateful for each other’s presence during this difficult time. . This will help you overcome your own disappointments and disasters.
jim newell
I live in Trump country. I’m scared of what will happen if he loses.
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The second answer is “not sober.” How could you? There can be all kinds of reasons to be afraid, stressed, appalled, and lose your cool (and that’s true no matter what’s going on in your country or the world). But you’re not the first to raise a child in uncertain circumstances. In fact, many would argue that historically, the current situation is relatively calm. And advice does exist on how to navigate parenting. Consider pre-ordering science journalist and Slate friend Melinda Wenner Moyer’s book Hello, Cruel World! Science-based strategies for raising great kids in scary times. The book will be published in May, but you might find it helpful to know that you’ll have a companion to help you raise your children during scary times.
I emailed Melinda a bit about the book, and she said her research focuses on important skills that parents can help foster in their children, such as self-compassion, empathy, and curiosity, just to name a few. It was said that they are guessing. She also said something that, as the author of a book on parenting advice, I found especially reassuring:
A culture of intensive parenting teaches us that we should do as much as possible for our children. It’s about spending as much time as possible with the kids, enrolling them in expensive extracurricular classes, sending them letters every day at camp, and helping them out. But research shows that children actually benefit more if we step back and let them be. Giving children more freedom and allowing them to experience difficult things and feel “bad” emotions helps them develop problem-solving skills, self-esteem, and resilience.
My sister-in-law asked us to adopt twins because she missed her old life. For some reason, we said yes. I had planned for a peaceful retirement. Now my partner has shattered everything by coming clean. This content is available only to Slate Plus members. I made an agreement that everyone would make with their brother in the event of a tragedy. Well, it happened — and my life is a disaster. I recently found out what my husband was watching on his computer. This explains everything.
So parenting in scary times isn’t about fixing everything or panicking about what you can’t do. It’s about setting our kids up to be as successful as possible. One way to do that is to be who you are. Modeling how to deal with mistakes, talking to them (in an age-appropriate way) about recent events and their values, and telling them you love them all help them grow. Those are important core skills, Melinda told me. Being a good parent in this strange world doesn’t mean you have to be a calm and peaceful role model. And, as I’ve heard from others who are already parents, our parental instincts kick in and we adjust our parenting to suit our children, the times we live in, and a life that works for us. It will help you.
You will go through difficult times with your children. This applies to raising children at any age. But you have each other. You will have your community. And your children will still have a beautiful world that is, in some ways, more accepting of difference and change than ever before. In the meantime, enjoy your life until the baby is born. Go on a date with your wife and stay out late while you can.
—Shannon
