Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have questions about care and feeding? Please submit here.
Dear care and food,
I love my son and 5-year-old grandson, but my wife’s presence is nothing but stress. She is very critical and has a shallow personality. I offered to take care of my grandson after he returned to work, but it was nothing but a hassle. She treats me as if I were a paid helper and is not very cheerful. I gave my son and daughter-in-law my schedule for attending church activities and the gym so they could coordinate. She ignores messages to call me soon to babysit and gets angry when I tell her no. She called me a gym rat because I spin and do yoga several times a week and called me too religious because I go to church. She complains that if I go, I will take my grandchild. I once got scolded when I took my grandson to see a friend because my friend might have a dog.
I stopped watching my grandson at his house because more and more housework was falling on me. When I complain, she accuses me of trying to sabotage her career. My son doesn’t try to protect me and says that’s his wife’s attitude. My sisters have retired to a city about 6 hours away, and my daughter also settled there after spending years abroad. I’m thinking of moving there. But my son and his wife are having another baby, and I know they expect me to repeat the childcare I provided. I love my grandson, but I don’t plan on spending another five years with him. My daughter-in-law once threatened to not let me see my grandchild. I’m worried she won’t follow through. What should I do?
—Stressed Grandma
To a grandmother who is under stress
Decisions about where to live should be about you and what you want, not about your son or daughter-in-law. Even if your relationship with them was easier, you are not obligated to give them unlimited childcare, nor are you obligated to stay in your current town for them. If you want to be happier and more fulfilled living in the same city as your sister or daughter, move. However, if you want to stay there, tell your son and daughter-in-law that you can’t be their regular childcare provider anymore, instead of leaving home to escape the pressure of babysitting.
You don’t have to deal with their rules or complaints. You can focus on the facts. Aside from the friction between you and your daughter-in-law, it sounds like your schedule and your son’s and DIL’s childcare wants and needs don’t align. Perhaps if you both work, you need someone who can be there every day or most days. You have other places you want to go and things you want to do. It’s great that you volunteered because you wanted to help in the first place, but if their needs and desires don’t match your potential or ability as a caregiver, you should all be honest about it. It would be better to do so.
I know you’re fed up. But if your goal is to avoid a big blowout, don’t make this personal when talking to your son or daughter-in-law. It doesn’t have to be about you and anyone else. It could be that they need a service that you don’t think you can provide. If you would like to spend time with your grandchild, but are okay with babysitting from time to time, you can say so while letting them know that you will need to make other arrangements for regular care. It’s their responsibility to find an arrangement that works for their family, and that’s true regardless of whether you help out from time to time or where you decide to live.
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Dear care and food,
My husband and I have two children, ages 4 and 6. We were pretty sure our family was complete and thought the same thing every time the topic of having more children came up. Most recently, we changed our mind and are expecting a new third child. This will be quite surprising to our friends and family. My sister-in-law has been struggling with infertility for over 5 years. We know they make us happy, but we also know that our news is hard for them. Ideally, I’d like to wait until I’m 12 weeks old and share the news in a sensible way, but I’m planning on going on a family trip with my husband’s relatives in a few weeks, when the morning sickness is likely to end. worst. Since we will all be living in the same house, I am worried that my pregnancy symptoms will become apparent. I’m worried that if this news gets “reported” it will ruin my trip to SIL. What should I do?
—Pregnant, contemplating
Dear pregnant women and those who are considering
It’s kind of you to want to understand your sister-in-law’s feelings. But most early pregnancy symptoms can be caused by other causes, so don’t let her or another in-law guess your news just because you live in the same house. I don’t think it’s natural. And even if they have doubts, many will wait for you to say something.
It’s worth talking with your husband to decide how you’ll respond if someone in your family asks you directly if you’re pregnant. (Maybe, assuming you don’t want to lie, you might say something like, “I had no plans to share this news or talk to anyone until after the first semester.”) ) If no one asks, you can wait and tell everyone early. During the second trimester, or whenever you were planning to tell them. I know this is easier said than done, but even if someone tells you the truth before you do, there’s no need to confirm it or discuss it at length until you’re ready. there is no. You still have the right to privacy.
Of course, your sister-in-law will eventually find out about your pregnancy. And even when she finds out, you can try to be as sensitive as possible. But you can’t control her feelings about it, and announcing it before you actually want to do it won’t make things easier for her. What you can do is try to understand and respect her feelings whenever it comes to sharing the news.
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Dear care and food,
I feel like my husband’s family is blaming me for my poor housekeeping skills. My husband and I had a baby around the same time as my sister-in-law (our child is now 3 years old and hers is 4). The difference in family support was significant. My in-laws live about the same distance from both of us, but they regularly drive over for weeks/weekends/random afternoons to help out their SIL. You won’t believe it. ” I believe that because we both work full time in similar fields and my husband travels for work during the week. The difference is that my house is usually clean but hers isn’t, I plan ahead for grocery deliveries and she doesn’t, I keep doing laundry and she doesn’t. It means that it is not. I swear I’m not saying this to anyone. I denigrate my favorite SIL. I don’t care if her house is clean or not. But I got tired of hearing my in-laws say, We want to help, but it’s clear that you don’t need anything. If we don’t cook for her, (SIL)’s house will fall apart! “I’m always tired and would like someone to cook for me, but when I try to tell them that, my in-laws laugh as if it’s a joke.” Do I have to visibly break down to receive support? I feel like I’m drowning, and my own parents live 2,000 miles away.
— Still need help
Dear I still need help,
I’m not sure what “I tried to tell you this” means, but it probably sounds like you said “Hey, I want some help too!” Or even if you drop other similar hints, your in-laws aren’t volunteering anything. Asking directly doesn’t guarantee they’ll work with you, but it’s a much better bet. People often miss hints or overlook all but the most obvious needs. Straight yes or no requests are more difficult to fend off.
My teenage stepdaughter keeps making nasty threats. I might take her up on it. Help! My daughter talks about marriage like it’s a prison sentence. She will lose the perfect man. This content is available only to Slate Plus members. My sister-in-law contacted my employer. No, my wife is a tyrant. I want to be freed from my “duties” as a grandmother.
Make a list in your head of the tasks you really want help with. Next time you feel overwhelmed, call your in-laws and tell them the truth. You’re parenting alone, exhausted, and struggling to get everything done. Then ask specifically, “Can you bring me dinner tomorrow night?” “Can you help me bathe the baby or put it to bed?” “Can you watch the baby while I run errands?” If you can’t or don’t want to help, you’ll most likely refuse. , even then, it might help you understand your situation a little more. If you keep asking for help in a certain way, you will eventually get the message.
I’m sure you’ve heard this by now, but I’d also like to add that when you’re parenting alone, you can and should cut out all sorts of leeway. Sure, it might look like a clean, tidy home when you put it together, but it also looks like a home where you get enough sleep and eight hours of sleep. Regardless of whether your in-laws become more helpful, do whatever it takes to avoid drowning, get plenty of rest, and take care of yourself.
—Nicole
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