What do you do if your toddler steals your child’s toy during a playdate? Throws a tantrum at the grocery store? Have you ever been pushed by a child at the park?
These are common behaviors in toddlers and preschoolers who are still learning how to behave around others and control their emotions. But for many parents, these moments are difficult to deal with, especially when they occur outside of the everyday comfort of home.
“When we’re out in public, we can feel like we’re there,” says Selina Benavidez, a developmental psychologist and professor at Oxnard University in California. “We feel the critical eye of others, and it affects how we parent and how our children respond to us.”
So how should parents deal with their child’s challenging behavior in public? Benavidez answers five questions from NPR listeners. And she shares what you can do to prevent these scenarios from happening in the future.
1. The last time I went to the grocery store, my toddler started screaming in the middle of the produce section. I felt other customers looking at me and I was worried that they would think I was a bad parent. What can you do to calm your child down in such a situation?
Stop and take a deep breath. Yes, these moments can feel stimulating. But Benavidez says if we ourselves are calm, our children will react more calmly. Make eye contact, be on the other person’s level, and keep your voice even.
Benavidez said young children can get so excited that they want more autonomy in a situation. So try to distract them by giving them a choice. You might say, “Do you want to grab that onion, or do you want me to grab it and you carry it?”
They can also become tired or overstimulated and become ill, Benavidez said. If you can’t pack your bags and leave the supermarket, find a quiet place with fewer people. A little privacy can help your child by reducing stimulation and protect you as a parent from the prying eyes of others.
2. I’m the mother of an active and outgoing 3-year-old, but I’m always scared when I have to fly anywhere. When I’m on a plane, I feel like I’m trapped, and being responsible for a child who has a meltdown on the plane can be embarrassing and overwhelming. The last time we boarded a plane, a well-meaning stranger suggested that our child was screaming because he didn’t respect us. This was a new level of humiliation for us. How should I have responded to this stranger?
Establish boundaries with people who comment on your parenting by saying, “Thanks for the suggestion, but this is how I’m going to do it,” or simply saying, “Well, we’re going through a tough time.” ” is also fine. Benavidez says.
But you only have so much energy, she says, and the most important thing is to focus on helping your child get through difficult situations. You’re not going to do everything perfectly, and your child isn’t going to either, and that’s okay.
3. Recently at the park, a boy came up behind my 2-year-old son and slapped him in the back of the head before he went up the stairs. Then she pinched her son’s arm and pulled him! My parents were right there, but they didn’t say anything or apologize. After all, we had just left the park. What else could I have done?
Benavidez says it’s always okay to just remove your child from situations where they don’t feel safe.
But if you choose to get involved, focus first on the victimized child. Please speak up about what happened. Benavidez says you might say, “That doesn’t feel right.” I can see that you are upset. want to talk about it? ”
Then we move on to the child being in harm’s way. You might say, “The other child didn’t seem to feel good about what happened.” What can we do? ”The goal in this situation is to help the children repair the relationship and play together in a healthy way, rather than just separating them, Benavidez said.
Finally, debrief with your child afterward, she says. Start a conversation about the incident by saying, “I just noticed something like this happen at the park.” That was a tough moment. ” This will help you process your emotions in a calmer environment while showing that you are there for safety and security.
4. A few weeks ago, my 18-month-old son was at a children’s party. Then he did something I wasn’t expecting. He grabbed the older child’s shirt and stole the toy dump truck from his hands. The other child started crying. My son looked on in confusion, but did not return the dump truck. Should I have intervened?
Unless you’re concerned about either child’s safety, your role is to help them name the dilemma and figure out how to solve it themselves. Benavidez recommends pausing before diving in and labeling what you’re seeing and asking questions if you need to intervene.
For example, Benavidez says you might say: What can we do? ” Encourage them to think of solutions, if necessary. “What if we took turns?” What would that look like? ” Giving them the opportunity to come up with ideas on their own creates teachable moments.
5. I’m scared to take my kids to the store. Because she would want me to buy her a toy. And if I say no, it will be confusing. How can I avoid this situation in the future?
Before you start, decide what boundaries you want to set. Then, explain what’s going to happen in a way that your child can look forward to. Benavidez suggests saying to your child: There are lots of toys there and you can choose anything from the $3 box. ” or “I won’t buy any toys today, but I’m going to the park when I get home.”
Involving your kids in the process makes the store experience more fun. For example, you might be responsible for adding items to shopping carts. Benavidez says she gives her 6-year-old a shopping list and asks her to cross off items as she goes. These interactions help children feel valued.
The audio portion of this episode was produced by Andee Tagle. Digital story edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual editor is Beck Harlan.
We would love to hear your thoughts. Leave a voicemail at 202-216-9823 or email LifeKit@npr.org.
