When I was in 7th and 8th grade, I had a friend who had very strict parents. She was not allowed to have a phone or use social media, and was rarely allowed to hang out with friends.
Despite these strict rules, she did everything her parents tried to restrict her from doing. She had a Snapchat, a boyfriend, and would sometimes sneak out of the house at night. She was constantly sharing stories with her friends about how she smoked, drank, and sent nude photos to boys online. Her parents placed many restrictions on her, but she found a way to rise above them. She secretly became their worst nightmare.
Being a teenager is difficult. We end up finding our own identity, independent of what our parents want us to be, while navigating our place in the community. Strict parents may feel they are doing the right thing to protect their children, but a lack of communication when setting strict rules can undermine the integrity of the parent-child relationship. .
My friend’s experience is not uncommon. As a 17-year-old, I often hear stories of people sneaking out of the house, sneaking out to drink, or sneaking their partners into the house. Teens I know purposefully leave their phones at home while they sneak away to other places in case tracking apps find out their plans.
Parents put these precautions and restrictions in place to keep their children safe, but without open communication, they can encourage children to engage in even more risky behaviors. If you leave your phone at home to avoid being tracked, you risk not being able to contact anyone in an emergency. When children feel that they are not trusted, they are less likely to open up to their parents. Feeling judged and misunderstood keeps us from seeking the help we desperately need.
Dr. Emily Edlin, a clinical psychologist and mother of three, points to research on setting rules and boundaries for children. “Research supports that parents who express openness to discussion and negotiation, rather than demanding obedience, have psychologically healthier children,” says the parenting blog The Art and Edlin, author of “Science of Mom” and the upcoming parenting book “Parenting for Mom.” Autonomy.
There’s also the whole psychological reactance aspect. When someone tells us not to do something, our desire to do it increases because we feel a threat to our freedom of action.
“When parents maintain strict rules without responding to teens’ growing desire for independence, teens are more likely to suffer from mental health problems and risky behaviors such as drug use. “,” says Dr. Edlin. “Teenagers who don’t feel like they can openly discuss rules end up asserting their independence in less healthy ways.”
Signs you may be an overly strict parent
Strict parents are too strict to make exceptions to their rules. If you have a long list of rules and your child has a hard time having a sense of humor when they break them, you may be being too strict. Children are more likely to lie or hide things from strict parents out of fear of the consequences.
Here are some signs that you may be an overly strict parent.
You have a zero-tolerance policy. Your child often lies. Your child has more restrictions than other children. You have a low tolerance for stupidity. You struggle with others’ lack of discipline. You have a long list of rules. you praise. Focus on results rather than effort. Don’t let your children do things their way.
Teens want to be trusted
It’s completely natural for teenagers to want to experience common things like parties and love, and they shouldn’t be stigmatized for having this desire. I feel more comfortable opening up to my parents when they give me the freedom to have these experiences and continue to be present in my life to discuss more complicated moments.
I recognize that strict parenting is born out of love and concern. However, it’s important that you trust your child to make responsible decisions. It also helps to know that if your child makes a mistake, you will help pick up the pieces. By building trust, your child will feel more comfortable being honest with you. It also prepares you for becoming an adult. Practicing safe choices now can lead to safer choices later.
Teens want healthy limits
Although it seems like we are fighting for complete freedom now, we actually want some restrictions. These will help you set boundaries with friends and stay within your own comfort zone. The important thing is that parents don’t want to go beyond the rules. Please join us in setting the rules. You might actually agree to no phones before bed or a curfew. Restrictions can work fine if there is still room to make their own decisions and experience normal teenage activities.
teens want to be understood
We are growing, and we need social interactions and experiences to grow. When we approach you about plans for the evening, please speak without judgment or anger. If you’re wearing something you don’t like, ask them what they like about it. That way, you can find a compromise that is comfortable for both of you. If you handle these situations with negativity or force, you may feel disrespected. Sometimes all teens want is to feel like they’re being treated with respect.
experts involved
“To support the healthy development of teens while maintaining healthy boundaries, ask open-ended questions to understand their perspectives and collaborate on ways to modify household rules and expectations. ” says Dr. Edlin. “This process encourages critical thinking and shows that you value their opinions, even if the rule change ends up being a compromise.”
