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Dear care and food,
I divorced my ex-husband 4 years ago when my children were 8 and 10 years old. My ex-husband was a smart, ambitious, charming, and driven man. He was also a high-functioning alcoholic. He only cooled down when he received a number of unofficial warnings and was on the verge of having his professional license revoked. Six months later he died.
When I talk to my kids about him, I share fond memories, but when they talk about how his drinking has hurt or disappointed them, I try to affirm their feelings. I am paying attention to. He was a complicated person. I want them to know that not only will they miss him, but he was too wrapped up in his addiction to be a good parent. His down-to-earth family is part of our lives, and our children have uncles, aunts, and cousins who are by his side.
They also have his mother, “Kathy” who is my ex-mother-in-law. My kids are now 12 and 14, so I got a job with night shifts. Kathy offered to stay with them at our house for free twice a week. This was a kind and gracious offer. It helps them earn money for college. Kathy is generally a safe and trustworthy person, but the way she has been talking about her son lately seems to be irritating me and confusing and bothering the children. They often ask me the truth and get into arguments with her. She claims he was a “very loving father” who “got sober for the sake of his children.” However, he was clearly not sober for the sake of his children. He didn’t calm down when doctors told him that if he didn’t stop, he wouldn’t live to see them graduate from high school. Or when they told me I was letting them down and begged them to quit. Or when we divorced because of his drinking. Or when the judge suspended his custody after his divorce because he was drunk and driving in the car. He only quit drinking when his career was in jeopardy, and then died before his children could benefit from sobriety. Kathy is doing us a lot of good, but we don’t know how to deal with it.
—Single mother
Dear Mom
Help! My wife told me that I would always be “second” to my first love. he is long dead. My mother-in-law has very strange ideas about her daughter’s “purpose” I think my sister is trying to exploit children for domestic labor This content is available only to Slate Plus members I We just caught a 7 year old kid in an accident with a series of ridiculous lies. I’m very worried.
Your children are old enough to tell you that Grandma is saddened by the death of a child, and that the death of a child is devastating no matter how old the parent is. And painting a rosier picture of their father, her son, than you or they know to be true may save her suffering. She is telling herself the story, and it would be kind to her not to correct the record. They can listen, nod, and mutter. You can even tell her that you don’t want to talk about her father, that you don’t want to hear about him, that we miss him too, and that you get frustrated and sad when these conversations continue. And you might step in and ask if she would like to talk to her grandmother about how sad it is to talk about her father. But arguing with her about what she wants to believe will hurt her, even if you (and they) know she’s wrong. That being kind to others can be more important than being right is not a bad lesson for children to learn.
And remind them that they can keep that thought in mind until you get home or until you’re alone. You are not asking them to keep their feelings or knowledge secret or to lie. You just ask them to be empathetic, kind and loving towards their grandmother. It may be helpful to remember this as well. Perhaps if you keep in mind that she’s doing everything she can to overcome this tragedy, you’ll stop being irritated by the way she talks about her son. And be kind to yourself. The way your mother-in-law handles this issue will likely resurface all of your own complicated feelings of grief. be patient. It will take some time for everyone to heal.
—Michelle
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