There were so many mornings this year that Lauren Eaton Spencer was late for work because of her shirt. Her son Noah, 3, has strong opinions about what he should wear, and Spencer wants to respect and support them, but she also needs to put in the work. When you finally choose a shirt, a new battleground appears: socks.
“Letting him fight for 30 minutes about his socks while I’m trying to be kind and gentle doesn’t really help,” said Spencer, a kindergarten teacher in Katy, Texas.
Spencer, 30, believes in the concept of gentle parenting, an approach that emphasizes emotional self-regulation on the part of parents and a deep respect for children’s feelings, but in reality it’s difficult to understand in the busy lives of families. It turned out to be incompatible.
“This approach didn’t lead to a decision,” she said of a tearful morning picking out socks. “We’re both just frustrated.”
Therein lies the problem. Gentle parenting turns out to be too demanding for many parents. In recent months, parents and experts have begun to express doubts about the sustainability of this parenting style.
A study published in July found that more than 40% of self-proclaimed caring parents experience burnout and self-doubt due to pressure to meet parenting standards. There has been no shortage of recent analysis and think pieces, which some experts say are fostering “unrealistic expectations.” Influencers are pushing back, and even celebrities are lovingly saying that the gentle approach to parenting “doesn’t produce results.”
Annie Pezzara, a professor of human development and family studies at Macalester College and a co-author of the study, says that calming methods are most effective when parents are emotionally in control and unconstrained by their time. “It’s aspirational,” he said of his parenting practices. I’m having the most trouble.
For nearly a decade, proponents of the popular gentle parenting style have encouraged parents to validate their children’s feelings, model behavior, and discuss solutions with their children rather than punishing or correcting them. We have encouraged you to collaborate with us. And perhaps the hardest part is letting the tantrum happen and then teaching them a lesson later.
Its popularity has flourished during the pandemic, when isolation and existential despair led people to turn to social media for parenting advice. The Surgeon’s General Recommendation on Parental Stress says influencers are fertile ground for spreading advice that may ultimately do more harm than good.
Lauren Eaton Spencer and son. By: Lauren Eaton Spencer
It was in 2022 that cracks began to appear in the gentle glow of movement. Kind parenting is a practice that requires parents to “renounce themselves and become eternally existing human beings,” and a wave of ideas arose that criticized it as being “too kind.”
Pezzala said the gentle parenting philosophy is largely a social media trend, with no academic evidence to back it up. Emily Oster, an economist turned child care expert, says it’s difficult to assess because the definition is vague.
With a metaphorical wave of the white flag, gentle parenting has fallen to the periphery of the parenting zeitgeist alongside helicopter and snowplow parenting, a philosophy that encourages parents to stay on top of their children and remove all obstacles from their path. Is it moving to ?
Why not end your attempts to calm your child with a connecting hug?Perhaps social media seems to suggest that you can do better.
culture of comparison
Overall, experts say, over-advice has led parents to believe that every interaction has a major impact on their child’s success. U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy even warned that today’s parents need extra support and face “unique stressors.”
But changes in parenting practices across generations are nothing new. One generation’s parenting gospel is often another generation’s bane. Science-backed advice that told baby boomers to withhold affection has led to the popularization of Gen X’s attachment parenting style.
Let’s start raising children kindly. The movement was popularized by Sarah Oxwell-Smith, a parenting expert and author of more than a dozen gentle parenting books, and gained momentum in response to behavior-driven advice that advocates time-outs and other consequences. I did.
In explaining the gentle approach, Ockwell-Smith asks parents to channel their empathy by asking themselves the following questions: If the answer is no, why would you do that to your child? ”
Operated on social media (TikTok has more than 172,000 #gentleparenting posts and Instagram has more than 970,000 posts), gentle parenting practices are often referred to as “hands are not meant for clapping. It often looks like a scene of domestic conflict resolution, with the slow, slow parent calmly repeating, “No, I don’t have any.” Even after the kid threw a chair at his head.
The influx of information causes parents to forget their true abilities, experts say.
“I think parents are losing that real north star of just intuition, deep intuition, of trusting themselves that they know and can do right by their children,” Pezzala said. says.
What is the alternative parenting style to gentle parenting?
A lot of people have been paying attention to Lighthouse Parenting lately. This is a term coined by Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg, a pediatrician and professor at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. Proponents of lighthouse parenting say it’s a middle ground approach between overprotection and overindulgence.
Ginsburg created the lighthouse metaphor to remind parents that they are a stabilizing force in their children’s lives. Guide your children, protect them, and use phrases like “I love you, but the answer is no.”
Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg coined the term lighthouse parenting. Provided by: Center for Parent and Teen
“Lighthouse parenting is not a trend,” Ginsburg says. “What matters is what is proven to be effective.”
But it’s not a new concept.
Much of Lighthouse Parenting’s research-based advice also comes from Authoritative Parenting. The problem, Ginsburg says, is in the name. People often misunderstand authoritative parenting as authoritarian (“no, because I said so”) parents, so he created a metaphor to find a balanced way for parents to raise their children. I have written a forthcoming book to help you.
Our goal as parents should be interdependence with our children, Ginsburg said.
“The question is how do we get there?” he said. “We get there by not pushing our kids away or letting them worry about losing us. We get there by positioning ourselves as guides rather than controllers. I will reach it.”
Authoritative parenting by another name
In the 1960s, psychologist Diana Baumrind identified three main parenting styles: authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative. A fourth style, neglect, was added later. Of the four styles, research shows that authoritative parenting, which emphasizes a balance of clear expectations, discipline, and affection, produces the most confident and academically successful children.
Since then, some experts have rebranded and based their advice on authoritative parenting models, using catchy new phrases (like the mantra of popular parenting guru Dr. Becky Kennedy) to offer advice. (Think of someone who is “good on the inside”) and has amassed a celebrity-like following. Oxwell-Smith said in an email to NBC News that a gentle approach is authoritative parenting. What makes a parent kind, she wrote on her blog, is the ability to maintain boundaries while offering empathy and comfort while a child is upset.
For parenting experts, the goal is always to educate, but also to capture the attention and purchasing power of parents who want to do right by their children.
For these parents, adopting a parenting style or identity may feel like a serious attempt to pave the way for their child’s success. According to a 2023 Pew study, modern parenting is becoming increasingly difficult. One reason for this is that parents feel pressured to take their children seriously. More than half of the parents surveyed said they value emotional connection with their children. This means less yelling, less discipline, and less room for parents to be human and imperfect.
However, some parents are still attracted to gentle parenting. In theory, gentle parenting has great values that can be applied to parenting practices: speaking kindly and valuing connection. What’s not to like?
Before Mariah Maddox of Lucas County, Ohio, gave birth in 2021, her social media feed showed a parenting style that emphasized kindness and attentiveness, core values that were in stark contrast to her own upbringing. I started promoting content about. She decided to be a kind parent.
Maddox, 26, said: “I think there was a sense of urgency to label myself as some kind of parent to make it seem like I was doing a good job.” .
However, she soon realized that labeling herself as one type of parent was too difficult. She still considers herself a kind parent, but not strictly.
Her son Nate, 3, often tries to run across the street to play with the neighbors.
“That’s why I have to intervene,” Maddox said of the dangers of car travel. “It’s about being authoritative and at the same time remembering that he’s a kid.”
Parents, believe in yourself
The pedagogy of parenting is both divisive and beneficial. An entire industry promotes parenting advice, books, and paid workshops. The global market for parenting apps is expected to grow significantly within the next decade. Our main customers are very anxious parents.
Spencer, a digital creator who recently earned a doctorate in educational psychology from the University of North Texas, said, “The parenting generation feels like they’re walking on eggshells with their kids. “I feel like it,” he says. . She believes this attitude is reflected in the comments on the parenting videos she posts as “Dr.” Rory Spencer. ”
“We are very concerned about how everything we do will impact their future,” Spencer said. “I’m almost paralyzed.”
For these parents, researcher Pezzara advises: Please put down your cell phone and return all parenting books to the library. The best parents are those who believe they are the best for their children.
“I think we all have deep wisdom in our bones about how to raise our children,” Pezzala says. “We’ve been raising children since time immemorial, and we’ve done so without the help of parenting books or social media parenting experts.”
