From the effects of social media on children to violence in schools, there’s a lot to worry about as a modern parent. But some of us may worry so much that our parenting style leans toward overprotective or even stifling.
I’m talking about intensive parenting. The term dates back to 1996, when a sociologist named Sharon Hayes coined the term “intensive parenting.”
The term, which has been compared to helicopter parenting, recently gained attention through some parents on TikTok. ‘We’re in a position now where we have to think about whether we’re going to continue to focus on our children to help them become better people, or whether we’re going to scale back,’ says one parent on parenting style. Shared on TikTok video. .
Dr. Raquel Herrero-Arias, a child and parent researcher at the University of Bergen in Norway, also recently said she would like to study this parenting style. She believes intensive parenting is a style that can lead caregivers to overdo it, to the detriment of the entire family.
While intensive parenting has its benefits, such as increasing parent-child bonding by spending more time together, it can also cause problems if done too much.
What does intensive parenting mean?
If you always try to keep your children entertained, rarely leave them in the care of others, and are so protective of your children that you don’t respect their boundaries with teachers or coaches, you may be able to practice intensive parenting. .
I’m guilty of intensive parenting habits like structuring my life around my children, investing too much of myself in their emotional states, and obsessing over whether I’ve handled difficult situations well enough. I admit that there is.
Some aspects of intensive parenting further push the concept of a child-centered family, where parents base their entire sense of well-being on their children’s success in life. Parents try to live vicariously through their children and may even become very worried about their future.
Intensive parenting also usually involves parents being heavily involved in their children’s academics, extracurricular activities, and social interactions. They also often intervene to help children solve problems or cope with challenges.
While putting your children first isn’t necessarily a bad thing, experts say intensive parenting can put unhealthy pressure on parents who aren’t focused on their children or themselves, leading to dangerously unbalanced lives. You may end up sending.
What causes intensive parenting?
It is believed that parents are moving towards an intensive parenting style because in modern society it has become more difficult to support a family and therefore requires greater supervision. Here’s why:
social media pressure
Experts say social media is a major cause of intensive parenting.
“Most of us know on a cognitive level that social media is a highlight reel, a small part of what’s really going on,” says John, a clinical psychologist based in Belmont, Massachusetts. Yes, says Dr. Anne Walsh, a maternal mental health expert. But constant exposure to other, seemingly perfect ways of doing things starts to influence us. ”
For example, a 2024 Little Sleepies study found that approximately 73% of mothers compare themselves to other parents on social media. And 77% of moms report feeling “mom guilt” because of social media.
Dr. Walsh reports, “I have seen clients whose mental health and parenting confidence significantly improved when they spent less time on social media.”
Lauren Canonico, LCSW, a New York City-based psychotherapist and adjunct professor at Affirmative Therapy Collective, agrees that social media plays a big role in putting pressure on parents.
“By presenting everything from perfectly packed lunches to Montessori-approved activities that take hours to prepare, and presenting them as normal, everyday activities, we are reminding parents that the baseline is It has made me feel like it has to be special and there is no room for deviation or shortfall,” she explains.
Increasing expectations for child-rearing
Social media isn’t the only reason why parenting today is so tough. Dr. Walsh believes that expectations for parents across the board have increased dramatically in recent years.
“There is an expectation that we are in complete emotional control, endlessly available, and always present,” she says. “Those may be laudable goals, but they are not reality.”
Canonico emphasizes that for her, there is no doubt that this moment poses even greater difficulties for parents.
“The world we live in is busier, more demanding, and more expensive than at any time in history,” she says. “We expect the same of ourselves, with far less disposable stuff. Perhaps even more given the pressure for perfection.” They have more time and income to get it done than their generation. ”
Considering these perspectives, it’s easy to see how parents are turning to an intensive style to cope with the many things that seem necessary to raise children today.
How parents raise themselves
Beyond the demands of raising a small human during this unprecedented time, there are other factors that can push caregivers toward intensive parenting.
“A common theme I see in parenting styles is a pendulum swing from previous parenting styles,” Canonico says. “Gen X and Millennials, the two main groups raising children today, both carry their own unique generational burdens.”
Gen
Meanwhile, as Canonico explains, “Millennials face crisis after crisis, often feeling vulnerable and unprepared, and rely on overwork and a culture of hustle to prevent this.” .”
In her view, both generations strive to prevent their children from experiencing what they lived through.
personality type
It may also be due to the personality of the parents. Dr. Walsh sees caregivers of certain personality types as more inclined toward intensive parenting, such as overachievers and perfectionists.
“They are used to approaching everything with hard work, strategic planning, and thoughtful analysis,” she explains.
What are the disadvantages of intensive parenting?
As Dr. Walsh emphasizes, it’s great to care passionately about children and be involved in their lives. And, as Canonico points out, a parent’s role is clearly to look out for their child’s well-being, developmental needs, and future success. The downside is that doing all this with too much intensity can actually stress the whole family.
“The goal of parenting is to show children that they are loved,” says Dr. Walsh. “In intensive parenting, we can inadvertently send the message that perfection is good enough.”
Intensive parenting also doesn’t take into account the parents’ own needs. Therefore, if all of our self-worth depends on our children, not only do we put too much pressure on them, but this approach has a negative impact on the mental health of parents. “Yet, we know that one of the most important things for a child’s health is that their parents are healthy,” says Dr. Walsh.
Canonico added: “If intensive parenting is interfering with our own ability to care for ourselves, what are we modeling for our children?”
In addition, every child is an individual with so many factors that determine how they will grow up in life. And as a mother of many children like myself can attest, not all children respond to the same parenting style, even in the same family.
How to deal with intensive parenting
If you think you’re related to intensive parenting traits, there’s a lot you can do to get back on track, but it doesn’t necessarily require a complete overhaul of your worldview. “Parents should consider reducing the intensity rather than reducing it,” advises Dr. Walsh.
Here are some concrete ways to find a middle ground in your parenting style that benefits both you and your child.
Remember that it’s okay for children to be bored sometimes. Let your children think of ways to spend their time without organized activities or direction from you. Help children solve problems on their own. Resist the urge to take over and give yourself space to work through conflict. Avoid comparing yourself to other family members. Think about what’s important to your family and focus on that, while also trying to trust your own parenting instincts. Rate what the most enjoyable and most stressful aspects of parenting are. Try focusing on the things that bring joy to your family, rather than the things that bring anxiety.
Finally, Kanonico has the following advice for parents: “Giving yourself permission to do less can be difficult, but if by doing less you can provide more for yourself and your children, then in my book It’s a big win.”
