Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have questions about care and feeding? Please submit here.
Dear care and food,
My mother-in-law claims a lot of strange things, like psychic powers when someone gets pregnant. She also claims that she became pregnant multiple times during her 40s, even though a hysterectomy made her completely unable to conceive. All of these “pregnancies” ended in miscarriages and did not require medical intervention such as DNC or induced labor. Without my husband or I knowing, she was naming all of these pregnancies.
I am infertile, but suddenly became pregnant a few years ago. We gave our daughter a short middle name that has special meaning to me. Think of something like Rose or Kate. When my MIL found out about it, she thought it was a sign from God to come through me because this is one of her lost children who was supposed to be on Earth. Because, lo and behold, she called one of her miscarriages “the same. She asked if she could call her daughter by her middle name, but could it be a little longer? Think Rosie instead of Rose.” This struck me as a bit strange, but neither my husband nor I thought it would hurt and said it was fine.
Well, we hate it. My SILs picked up on it and now call her that. They never used her name. What we thought was no big deal turned into an intolerable problem that we had no idea would bother us until it was too late. Shall I ask her to stop? Will we just have to grit our teeth until our daughter is old enough to tell her grandma what name she wants to be called?
–Not rose-colored glasses, but rose-colored glasses.
Dear Mr. Rose-colored Glasses,
I mean, this isn’t really the biggest deal, is it? Many children are given nicknames by relatives regardless of their name, such as “Peanut,” “Scooter,” and “Pumpkin.” Eventually, your daughter will be old enough to decide what she wants to call herself, and it may no longer matter. Your MIL is a bit eccentric and for some reason feels a special connection to your daughter because of this middle name. If you care that much, tell her and your SIL that you and your husband would really appreciate it if you called her by the name you gave her. Explain that you want her to be proud and confident in her name. Hopefully they will relent, but if not, this is completely harmless and what matters more is how they treat your little girl.
Keep your questions short (less than 150 words) and don’t submit the same question in multiple columns. You can’t edit or delete a question after it’s published. To maintain anonymity, use a pseudonym. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns or edited for publication.
Dear care and food,
My brother-in-law was recently released after more than 10 years in prison and is currently living with his in-laws a few hours away. Although he’s not a bad person (most of his arrests are drug-related), he still struggles to put his life back together. We have two children (5 and 6 years old) and they have never seen their BIL since they were babies. After they found out that “Uncle Jim” was coming this Thanksgiving, they were so excited and told us all the things they wanted to see and tell him.
My first interest is in prison stories. He said he was planning on moving after living far away, but it would have to happen sometime during the holidays. I don’t want to hide the fact that he was in prison forever. I don’t know how to sensitively approach this issue with children who are still at the black-and-white stage in their lives where bad people go to prison. My second concern is Uncle Jim. I’m worried he’ll say something inappropriate or make empty promises to the kids. With their excitement and uncle’s indifference, he fears he will break their hearts. Without slandering my uncle, I would like to warn you in advance.
—Family Felon
Dear family members
I think it’s okay to leave the situation of Uncle Jim’s absence vague for a few more years, but I think it would be better to break away from the idea that only “bad people” go to prison. Children’s books about incarceration are great tools for discussing the complex nature of incarceration. The film tells the story of a man who makes some bad decisions and then turns his life around. The Children’s Book About Addiction helps put Uncle Jim’s challenges in context. I don’t mean to disappoint the kids, but you know, Jim might make a great uncle, but the kids need to know that he’s had a difficult life for some time and that’s why he Explain that it may affect your behavior. Encourage him to treat him as you would any other loved one, but understand that he is still working through his issues. If your son makes empty promises, encourage your kids to give him some grace, but talk to him directly about the importance of being trustworthy to them. Ask him not to promise anything he cannot deliver. If he makes an inappropriate comment, challenge it immediately, talk about it privately, and then follow up with your kids about why you shouldn’t say something like that.
Get the latest information on care and feeding
· Missed previous columns this week? Read them here.
· Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.
Dear care and food,
I recently had to move. My daughter’s first day at her new school was last week. I’m very nervous. This is a small school. She seems to be one in two people of color in her grade, and probably one in five in her grade whose parents aren’t from this area (I was shocked that she flew out to see her parents on their birthdays). This has already become a hot topic). I don’t know how to talk to my daughter about this. We talked about race before, but in our old town, the grades were big and there were a lot of kids who looked like her. Also, even though I am a person of color, my parents did not help me deal with racial issues well, and I was bullied in elementary school. How can I prepare my daughter for the possibility of her being abused for something outside of her control?
—A nervous mom
Dear Nervous,
I think my sister is trying to exploit children for domestic help! My wife told me that I would always be “second” to my first love. he is long dead. My child was hit by a car. I didn’t really expect any results. She and I are long distance. I don’t know why I have to tell her about my late night “friends”.
It’s time to start talking about race with your daughter regularly. She is old enough to begin to understand how it affects our experience. Talk to her in age-appropriate terms about this country’s racial hierarchy and its people’s place within it. Please talk about your own experience. Our Skin: A First Conversation About Race is an incredibly helpful tool for talking to young children about racial identity. Start talking positively about your people and tell her about your leaders, heroes, and achievements. It is essential that she is proud of where she comes from. If she’s mixed race, make sure she knows about both sides of her family and understands why she identifies as the one she most closely resembles. As for other ways in which she is different from her classmates, she talked extensively about how people can be unkind to people who are different from them, and when they feel they are being treated poorly. Give her permission to talk to an adult at any time. Explain to her that just because she’s from a different part of the country, she’s no more or less than her friends from other schools. Encourage them to come to you whenever they feel like someone has put them down or that someone, including an adult, has treated them differently based on who they are, how they look, or where they come from.
–Jamila
For more parenting advice, listen to our Care and Feeding Podcast.
Source link