During my nine years as a middle school principal, the facts of the job were often the punch line. “You are better than me,” “You are brave,” and “Bless your heart” were among the many condolence offers I received. Junior high school is generally seen as something to be endured, an unfortunate but necessary transition point on the path to adulthood.
Junior high schools have a bad reputation, perhaps because many of us carry painful memories of those turbulent times. (I think so.) Transformation is never easy. Early adolescence is a period of rapid and surprising change, second only to infancy. Middle school students experience physical, cognitive, and social changes. Physically, their bodies are growing at an unpredictable rate, and they have some clumsy moments, like spilling drinks or tripping over their feet because they’re not fully accustomed to their long limbs. Cognitively, we are moving from concrete to abstract thinking. In English class, some students read Animal Farm as an allegory for Stalinism, while others see it as a story about talking animals. Socially, they are acutely aware of their place in a group and, as a result, are constantly trying out new identities.
In the same hallway, you might see a student who looks 9 years old walking next to a student who looks 19 years old. One person is holding a cartoon bento box. The other one is shaving his beard. This period of change can be confusing for children and their parents. One minute your child wants to curl up in your lap, and the next she’s slamming the door and screaming, “I don’t know anything!”
The middle school years (usually between the ages of 11 and 14) have always been difficult, but they are becoming even more difficult. Middle school students are currently battling phones and social media. These media have taken the already complex social dynamics of this age group and introduced a precarious cocktail of public scorekeeping in the form of likes and comments, blurring the line between private and public. are. Vast and sometimes dangerous terrain, lack of adult supervision, and not fully developed frontal lobes. Add in the heightened anxiety and depression of adolescence, and the difficulty level is not for the faint of heart.
So what should parents do? My own three children are now adults, but I can easily recall the disparity of their middle school years. Based on decades of working with middle school students, my own parenting experiences, and modern research, I’ve compiled 10 practical tips for parents of today’s middle school students.
1. There is no such thing as normal.
Adolescent development is neither linear nor predictable. All children are on their own timeline physically, emotionally, and intellectually. They can’t help this. It is said that middle school students are like popcorn kernels. It will explode eventually, but it’s hard to know when. And they are acutely aware of how ahead or behind they are. Boys who hit puberty early tend to be more confident in themselves. For girls, it’s the opposite. Either way, remember that your child spends a lot of time wondering if he or she is “normal.” An important part of a parent’s job is to help their child feel like themselves. To that end, avoid comparing your child’s growth to that of peers or siblings. They do this themselves. Instead, reassure her by saying, “You’re now as tall as you should be.”
2. Don’t ride roller coasters.
Middle school is full of ups and downs. One day it’s thrilling, the next it’s a disaster. Friends are engaged one moment and distant the next. Adolescents often wonder why the world seems to be conspiring against them. If parents are not careful, they may end up experiencing emotional ups and downs with their children. This could be the result of watching your own child struggle or awakening long-buried wounds from your own middle school days. In any case, parents help their children the most when they resist the traction of the roller coaster. The parent’s job is to stay on the ground and provide stability and perspective when the car slows down. As I have written before, parents should be like lighthouses, stable and reliable.
3. Stick to a routine.
My 17-year-old daughter is doing her homework at the dining room table. At 9pm, my wife or I deliver 6 chicken nuggets. This is the second dinner she welcomes as she goes for her evening walk. She loves not having to ask for them. Routines provide a much-needed sense of predictability in an unpredictable world. These don’t have to be complicated. Eating consistent meals as a family, reporting on school each day, and reading a book together on Sunday mornings can help ground young people when the rest of their lives feels largely in flux. You can. Knowing what will happen in at least some cases is a source of stability and comfort. Teens can overcome their daily routines in a moment. However, these practices often become more important over time and can be foundational for anyone.
4. Remember they are watching you.
Whether we like it or not, we are models for our children. They notice our every move. More than our words, our actions shape their future. It’s worth asking yourself who I am when I’m with my children. Do I treat people with respect, even when I disagree? Do I run a stop sign? Do I reprimand a waiter if they screw up my order? Reply to a text message during dinner? Children of parents who talk critically about their child’s classmates, or teachers, coaches, or other parents, learn to be critical. Parents who are kind and empathetic are more likely to raise children who are kind and empathetic themselves. Adolescence is all about finding fault with your parents, but this is inevitable. But we don’t have to accelerate this through our own bad actions. Adolescents are quick to spot hypocrisy. If we perceive that our words and actions are inconsistent, we risk losing their trust.
5. Challenge the “everyone else” myth.
If your child says, “But everyone else is allowed to sleep with their cell phone,” remember that “everyone” could actually be one person. . Or there are zero people. Don’t abandon your principles based on your child’s insistence on other family norms. Even if your child is the last child allowed to do something that their friends are already doing, stick to your values and know that you are making the right decision for them. Please believe me.
6. There are more restrictions and more freedom online.
One of the great mysteries of modern parenting is why so many parents have radically restricted their children’s freedom in the physical world, while allowing them freedom in the virtual world. Our kids spend too much time staring at screens. (According to a recent study cited by the New York Times, the average adolescent today will end up spending 17 years of their life online.) It leaves them feeling weaker and more anxious. This can lead to increased anxiety, decreased concentration, and increased feelings of isolation. Reducing their exposure to technology is one of the best things you can do for their long-term health. Send them outside instead.
7. Don’t let pain be the reason for your interview.
If your child doesn’t get along with a friend, don’t ask, “So, did they do something mean today?” Instead, check for competency and resilience in the interview. Ask, “What is something great that happened today?” If they raise a concern with you, ask neutral questions that don’t escalate or minimize it. Be reactive instead of leading. This means trusting your child to get through everyday challenges and reinforcing that you are there to listen, rather than actively exploring their emotional wounds.
8. Make friends with your school.
Teachers will never get to know their students the way parents do who have known their children for years. However, educators have a distinct advantage when it comes to understanding young people. The veteran 8th grade teacher has spent time with thousands of 14-year-olds. They know what they find interesting, what cheers them up, and what makes them feel safe. And they know what is within normal behavior. If your child is having difficulties, contact the school and they may be able to put the issue in perspective. Ideally, families and schools can work together to navigate a path forward that leverages the unique insights each brings to the table. Parents may not necessarily realize that communicating with the school is especially important when there is disruption at home, such as an illness in a relative, family trauma, or job loss. Schools can become better partners with parents and the more informed they are, the better they can support their children.
A homeschool-homeschool partnership is strengthened by assuming good intentions on both sides and taking the time to check things out before jumping to conclusions. One of my favorite lines to share with parents is, “If you believe half the things our parents tell us about us, we believe half the things they tell us about you.” .”is. Adolescence is wonderful. And they’re not necessarily reliable reporters. When my daughter was in the second year of junior high school, I came to check on her after dinner. “Could you please pick up the wet towel on the floor?” I asked. When I left her room, I heard her get back on the phone with her friend. “I’m sorry,” she said. “My father was just screaming at me.”
Adolescents tend to exaggerate. Or I might lovingly say this to an upset parent who wonders if I know what happened in 6th grade today. “No, you don’t either.”
9. Don’t go alone.
Reach out to other parents who can provide emotional support, wisdom, and much-needed perspective. WhatsApp groups can be overwhelming and sometimes silly, but other parents are an important source of information. They can find out if the party actually has a chaperone or what they’ll need for an upcoming field trip. Your children will also benefit from having a variety of adults in their lives. They certainly learn from the way they watch their friends’ parents interact with their friends. And they themselves will form important bonds with other parents, especially those they have known since childhood. A friend’s parent may listen when your child isn’t ready to talk to you. While parents may prefer to be chosen as their child’s confidant, it is important to know that the child may seek advice from other trusted adults, usually over asking a colleague for advice. That’s good.
10. Enjoy middle school.
Middle school can be frustrating, but it can also be fun. They are often funny, serious, and passionate. If you maintain a sense of humor and perspective, you will enjoy this remarkable stage in human development. Please hug me this time. Before you know it, they’ll be cool high school students. Balance is important when raising middle school students. We must give children the space to figure things out on their own while providing stability and security. No parent (myself included) can always follow all of the above advice. But if you stay grounded, keep perspective, and remember that no phase lasts forever, you’ll find a lot of joy in the process.
