Parents typically want their children to be resilient, able to bounce back from setbacks and meet challenges on their way to becoming successful adults.
“Tough love” isn’t necessarily the way to accomplish that, says child psychologist Tovah Klein, director of the Barnard College Center for Child Development and author of the recently published book “Raising Resilience.”
“One of the misconceptions[about resilience]is that people often think of it as being like tough love. You know, ‘I just pull myself together and do this.'” Klein told CNBC Make It. “I think it’s a more empathetic and connected (approach): ‘This may be difficult, and I’ll be here when you’re done.'”
Tough-love parenting approaches are often associated with harsh punishment, and parents are more likely to ignore their child’s complaints most of the time. This can effectively prevent children from breaking rules, but when used in extremes it can damage children’s self-esteem and ability to think for themselves, psychologists say.
The opposite approach, which tries to protect children from all negativity and disappointment, also doesn’t help build resilience, Klein says. As children grow, she says, they need to experience setbacks in order to learn how to deal with difficult moments and develop the motivation to keep moving forward.
Instead, Klein says, parents who are supportive no matter what are most likely to give their children the mental strength and resilience to help them get through life’s most difficult moments. “It means, ‘I believe you’ll get through this, and no matter what the outcome is, whether you win, lose, or come along the way, I’ll be here for you. Masu.”
Another “misnomer” that Klein has noticed from some parents is the idea that resilience is an innate trait, when in reality it’s something parents can model and teach their children. , she says. In her book, Klein outlines the “Five Pillars of Resilience,” from encouraging emotional openness to cultivating a child’s ability to connect with others, to help parents maintain their child’s emotional well-being. It shows how we can support the development of strength.
For example, you can help your child express their feelings by regularly asking how they are feeling and letting them know that you love and support them even when they are sad, angry, or not feeling their best. We can help you learn how to take control. That unconditional acceptance, Klein says, helps children build the confidence they need to bounce back as they grow older and become more independent.
But most simply, the best way to prepare your children for the challenges they will face in life is to provide them with a steady supply of love and support that instills in them the simple belief that: , she says. . ”
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