Erin M. Eichinger et al. | 2011/11/1 August 5, 2024
Can and should we really be neutral? In a new series, Zocalo explores the concept of neutrality in politics, sports, gender, journalism, international law, and more. In this essay, author Erin M. Eichinger reflects on how gender-neutral parenting prepared her to raise her children, especially transgender children.
Skylar was born a girl. This means you were assigned female at birth by your doctor. Skylar currently identifies as male. Their preferred pronouns are he/him or they/them.
I raised Skyler as a girl. Until a few years ago, in my heart, they were definitely my daughters. Long hair and cute dresses were their hobbies, but so were looking for bugs, dreaming about dinosaurs, and digging in the dirt. I never expected Skyler to play with dolls or be a princess for Halloween when she preferred Legos and Dracula costumes. Although Skyler’s tastes often skewed toward what society considered boyish, she still had a soft spot for skirts that really twirled.
When Skylar was young, she never came to me and openly confessed that she felt like she wasn’t a girl or that she was born in the wrong body. In fact, Skyler and I didn’t talk about our feelings of non-conformity with our birth sex or gender until adolescence.
When Skylar started expressing the feelings of being transgender, it wasn’t easy for me. I felt incredible internal resistance and even loss. But I also knew that Skylar felt safe enough to explore these feelings and turn to me for guidance and support.
Schuyler is currently leaving California and moving to Oregon. As they prepared to launch, my parenting, which in retrospect might be considered gender-neutral, turned into a world outside of the family’s orbit, a world where gender roles were fraught with conflict. I wonder if they prepared us.
The word neutral has many different meanings, including indifference, impartiality, and indifference. When we talk about neutrality from a parenting perspective, it has a completely different meaning. In recent years, there has been a resurgence of discussion about gender-neutral or gender-responsive parenting.
This kind of parenting was already in place in the early 70s when I was a typical girl. She was shy and bookish, hated sports, loved dolls, and could spend a perfect summer afternoon watching soap operas with her grandmother. My mother was an interesting mix of traditional and hippie, who insisted on manners and “ladylike” behavior, while my sister and I were both original thinkers and able to stand on our own two feet. I was hoping for it.
Erin M. Eichinger writes that as a child, Skylar always encouraged her to be “free” to be herself, as she liked to twirl in skirts and look for bugs.
Eichinger set out to raise Skylar (pictured) and her three other children with a “unique, fluid and complex” gender identity.
Looking back, Eichinger wrote that she wouldn’t change much about her parenting style, other than becoming more conscious and intentional about language and attitudes about gender roles.
When I was about five years old, my mother gave me a copy of the 1972 children’s album Free to Be You and Me.
At the heart of the album is a message about gender-neutral parenting, allowing children and adults to see themselves in a way that frees them from rigid notions of what it means to be a boy or a girl. I encouraged that. Boys can play with dolls. Girls can run fast. And it’s okay for everyone to cry. Embracing Gloria Steinem-style feminism at the time, the album was a response to a hyper-gendered post-war America, where marketers painted everything in shades of pink and blue.
Free to Be You and Me offered a new vision of how things could be. I wore out that record and played it on my white suitcase record player until I had memorized every song and story.
About 25 years have passed since I first heard this album and when I became a mother myself. I’ve found that my approach to parenting my three stepchildren and my first and only child, Skyler, is fairly gender-neutral. I taught my children that boys and girls are much more similar than they are different. I encouraged them to “freely” wear whatever they wanted. Play as you like, spend your time as you like.
I was spreading my wings with “Free to Be You and Me” as my compass.
At the heart of the album is a message about gender-neutral parenting, allowing children and adults to see themselves in a way that frees them from rigid notions of what it means to be a boy or a girl. I encouraged that.
Skylar hopes to become a parent herself someday, and their thoughts on gender-neutral parenting are interesting. I use neutral pronouns, names, toys, and clothing. ”
Schuyler understands that complete neutrality is impossible, but she will at least try to maintain as neutral an environment as possible with those in her children’s inner circle.
Even though this may cause confusion, Schuyler feels that as children have more contact with people outside of their family group, it can be a starting point for communication. “It will be a way to start talking about gender from a young age, just like children who grow up always knowing they are adopted. They may not understand the concept at a young age, but once they do, ,do not be afraid.”
Many people seem to think that gender neutrality is something completely new and foreign.
What I have come to believe is that there is a younger generation that is giving us a new terminology regarding gender. They are not explaining a new phenomenon. As historian Laura Lovett points out, they are “reviving an old movement, not creating a new one.”
We have made great progress as far as public debates about gender are concerned, but with that comes a backlash. In 2024, more than 600 anti-LGBTQ+ bills were introduced in 43 states. In Florida, the state medical board is trying to block any kind of gender-affirming treatment for people under 18, even with parental consent. In California, Elon Musk announced that SpaceX’s headquarters would be moved out of state. This is in response to a bill that would prohibit teachers from forcing transgender students into their families. Musk, the estranged father of a transgender daughter, blames her California private school education for “making her transgender.”
Gender roles are imprecise, constantly changing and evolving. This vague nature often leads to confusion and even misunderstanding. As a backlash against what they see as socially imposed rules, some parents today push the concept of neutrality in childcare even further, imposing strict rules on the baby’s gender for all but a few parents. It is hidden in In doing so, we aim to completely free a child’s formative years from gender markers and stereotypes. Think about gender-neutral names, clothing, and toys. Gender reveal parties are strictly prohibited. It is believed that at some point a child will naturally begin to express his or her gender without the need for outside influence.
This is reminiscent of a widely read short story about “Baby X,” a fictional child whose gender is revealed only to a select few. This piece was published in Ms. magazine in 1978, just a few years after Free to Be You and Me. This work prompted readers to question the impact of gender roles on children and society as a whole.
While my approach to raising a child with a unique, fluid, and complex gender identity feels right, the idea of raising a child with complete neutrality seems unnecessary to me. I wonder if this practice is unnecessarily confusing and can lead to misunderstandings and misunderstandings for children and those who love them, not to mention the level of care required on the part of parents.
I don’t know if I would change my parenting style if I had the chance to raise Skyler again. Maybe I’ll be more conscious about language, or about my attitudes about gender roles.
This is the difficult part of raising children. If you do a good job, your reward is that your child becomes one of your favorites in the world. Another reward is that children learn to stand on their own two feet. And then they move away from you.
So you help them leave. You wonder if you have hurt your heart for their future and prepared them for the outside world.
So I’m here to help kids take that next step. As I look into the proverbial rearview mirror, I can only hope that I prepared them well, for Skylar when they were once children, and for them as they become adults. I, too, hope that when they look in the mirror, they will see what I see: a funny, loving, wickedly smart, and caring person.
What else do parents want from their children?
