The first 20 years of parenting may have felt like a letting-go process, from the morning you pick up your child crying at daycare to the time you send them off to college, but she’s the host of the podcast Therapy Works and author of Every. says psychotherapist Julia Samuel, author of . Families have stories: how we inherit love and loss, it wasn’t, it really wasn’t. “There were a lot of things in their childhood that could actually be fixed.”
She says the biggest changes in our roles as parents occur when our children are in their 20s. We then have to adjust from directing their lives in some way to simply supporting them. And that can be a bit of a shock for everyone involved.
“Letting go of control is one of the most difficult things in parenting young adults,” says Samuel. “For us, there are no clear signals that tell us it’s time for our role as parents to change, and there’s no clear amount of candles on the birthday cake.”However, once a child is in his or her early 20s, parents become We must move from a position of interdependence to a position of interdependence. “We need each other,” says Samuel, but children often separate. “Adult children need space to develop their own identities.”
Also, the process is not always smooth. “Today’s young people are growing up at a different rate than their parents because they have had more protection and have been in education for longer,” says Samuel.
The cost of living is keeping people in their 20s at home. According to the Office for National Statistics’ 2023 figures, around 30 per cent of 25 to 29 year olds are currently living with their parents, and the 2023 Census report shows that at least 620,000 more adult children are currently living with their parents. It has been revealed that he lives with his parents. than ten years ago.
So what if the children no longer have our full responsibility, but may still live under our roof or in other ways need our love and assistance? How can we best support them? Here Samuel advises the best way to navigate this complex and difficult stage of parenting.
Recognize that you cannot solve their problems
Samuel says it was easier to protect children when they were small. “When they take that step into adulthood, especially when they’re 25 years old, they become powerless in almost everything.
“You can’t fix your girlfriend breaking up with you, or not getting the job, or not getting the interview,” she says. “Some parents don’t realize that, but it’s a really important moment to have that realization. It hurts, but that pain is the light switch. You realize, ‘I have to let go and trust.’ is. ”
• My adult children say I wasn’t a good mother.
Many parents struggle with this because protecting our children is instinctual and we are used to being the center of our children’s lives. Samuel says finding a healthy middle ground between over-parenting and neglect is difficult. “When our children are in their early 20s, they are still learning to be adults and to be independent in the world. That is until they reach full maturity between the ages of 25 and 28. It won’t happen.
“You end up making your kids make terrible decisions and they say, ‘Why didn’t you say anything?'” Samuel said, adding: Let go enough so they can learn from their mistakes. ”
It’s like they’re going on a big trip and you air tag them and have them text you all the time because you’re worried, or you just say, “Text me when you’re okay.” That’s the difference, she says. , I’ll do the best I can. ”
Parenting mistakes from early childhood can still have an impact today. Please be honest.
If your interactions are particularly awkward, for example, if your adult child has seemingly extreme reactions to certain actions or statements of yours, it could be a sign that past parenting mistakes are still impacting your relationship. Samuel says there could be. “You can feel the strain of built-up resentment, not being vocal, or criticism like, ‘Mom, you always do this and you never do that.’
“It may have something to do with how you raised your siblings differently. It’s often because of the attention you give them that you don’t notice them.” Or maybe they’re going through a difficult time and they’re feeling frustrated all the time.” These things can be difficult to figure out, but ask your child questions and get them to be honest. Advice, says Samuel. “You could also ask, ‘Can I tell you about something that I did that was so upsetting and annoying because I really want to know?’ You could also ask, ‘What do we want now?’ You can also think about what do you need from me? What am I doing that drives you crazy?
Don’t criticize adult children
The goal is to build a supportive relationship with your child where you both feel valued and understood, says Samuel. “When you argue, ‘My way or the highway,’ whatever it is you’re fighting about, you’re saying, ‘I don’t like your boyfriend, I don’t like the way you do this job, you’re not a painter. “I don’t approve. You pay too high a price,” she says. “They may end up having to choose between you and a life that suits them. Estrangement between children and parents is often due to parents exerting power and control. This is because I was trying to maintain it.”
Of course, you should speak up if you’re dating someone toxic, but again, Samuel says, Try saying, “I’m really worried about how he treats you.” You could also say, “What do you think? It feels mean to me when you…he…does that.” Be specific and curious without being judgmental. ”
Don’t give advice unless asked
Learn how to really listen to your adult children without interrupting or lecturing them, says Samuel. “When you’re not only a great advisor, but a good listener, you strengthen the bond between the two of you and show them that you respect and value them for who they are, and that you’re proud of them.” She advises practicing active listening and “giving them your full attention without judging or having the urge to immediately give advice.”
She further added: “I think if you trust your kids, they’ll be trustworthy. And if you believe they can figure it out on their own, they will, but if you’re constantly telling them, If you keep telling them to do this, do that, they will feel stressed and helpless. ” You can also give advice if asked. She goes on to say, “Let them decide where they can come and support them, and where they can figure it out themselves, and make them realize that they have agency.”
When they return to the nest, everyone needs rules
If you’re moving back home because you dropped out of college or can’t afford to pay rent elsewhere, everyone should clearly discuss the rules, Samuel says. “You have to sit down together and agree to new rules, because when you’re 25 and your partner probably stays over a lot, you can’t behave the same way you did when you were 18.”
Conflicts often lead to confusion. “‘Load the dishwasher/When the milk is finished, buy another milk’ – it’s often the little things that drive me crazy,” says Samuel. “You have to be clear on what’s not okay from their side. You shouldn’t be treated like a doormat or a hotel.”
• Should I pay for my adult child to go on a family vacation?
You should also be prepared to negotiate, she says. Parents may have very strong opinions about what is and isn’t allowed (“No sex under my roof!” is a popular opinion). If you decide to keep them without negotiating, your relationship with your children may deteriorate. ” Instead, let’s sit down and talk. She suggests saying things like: What do you really care about? What is it? Let’s see if there’s a middle ground. ” There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying, “I don’t want to hear about your sex!”
do not express disappointment
Your 27 year old works at a bar, not a bar. Parents may feel guilty, Samuel says. “You’re not using the education I paid so much for for you!” she added. “All it creates is a fight. They’ll say, ‘I never asked you to do that.'”
Is it okay to be disappointed in your child? “The word ‘disappointed’ is very harmful,” says Samuel. “And the words ‘when I was your age’ should be deleted from your vocabulary.” Let them find their own way. “I think young people mature more slowly than our generation, and we often get frustrated that they’re not progressing at the speed that we are. We let them move at their own speed. I need it.”
If you’re really worried, she says, you should approach them by asking, “How can we think about this together?” Rather than saying, “You’re failing and letting me down,” it leaves you feeling hurt and helpless. She added: “It’s about letting them be who they are, not being who you want them to be.”
It’s normal to be jealous of your own children
Samuel says it’s taboo for parents to be jealous of young people, but it’s common. “Looking at their beautiful bodies, exciting futures will probably determine your future. You might be jealous of how much you made it possible for them and how much it cost. Envy is often related to appearance and gender, but also to potential,” she says. “And we as parents may act it out by being very mean.”
Samuel added: “I remember walking down the street with my three daughters and realizing that all the men were looking at them and they couldn’t see me,” she recalls. was relieved to realize that he did not hold a grudge against them. However, I couldn’t help but feel envious of her sense of “energy, potential, and sexiness.”
• Has dysfunction torn your family apart? Royal confidant Julia Samuel can help
Try to notice when it happens, she says. “What feelings come up? It’s normal to have these feelings. The last thing you want to do is act on them.” Acknowledge your feelings of envy. “You’re not going out to a party, and when you look at your old self in the mirror, you’re watching another series on Netflix.[Admitting to yourself]’This is a big moment.’ ” Take feelings of envy as a sign that you need to do something for yourself. Whether it’s a night out, signing up for a new class, or anything that makes you feel better about yourself.
Accept that others are more important to you
As children reach adolescence, we learn the hard lesson that the opinions of our friends are more important than our own. But they still live with us part-time or full-time. “The real milestone for parents is when their children leave the mothership and build their own ships,” says Samuel. “I was very happy when my children got married, but on the wedding day I felt a very strong instinctive reaction. Fortunately, I did not act on it.” she says. “I wanted to separate them from their spouses and scream, ‘No!’ And I know many parents who were just as shocked.”
Samuel says it’s one of the most painful aspects of parenting. “They love you just the same, but you’re not the person they rely on or want or think about. They’re thinking about their partner, their job, their own kids.” Nurturing other important strong relationships can be helpful, as can focusing on new interests. “You need to fill that void with other things that are important and meaningful to you,” she adds. “Our instinct to protect and provide never goes away, it remains forever. They will always be our children.” And when they visit, we can enjoy a little of it, she says. “We need to learn that humans have moments like that too, but we have to let them grow up.
“It may take time and adjustment, but once the parameters are reset, a deep and enjoyable bond will form.”
