It’s been years since I graduated high school, but the memory of me collapsing under its demands remains vivid in my mind. In the evening, after returning from cross-country practice and rushing through dinner to solve the textbooks that were waiting for me, I realized that the pressure I put on myself, the social pressure, to get the best grades and be perfect; The pressure from my family often brought me to tears. Ace your grades in all classes and extracurricular activities and get into the best universities.
Today, teenagers are under the same pressure, but even more, thanks to the added weight of social media comparisons, and how much of it is affecting their mental health. We know even more about the potential negative effects.
Obsession with success is a subject that intrigues journalist Jennifer Breheny Wallace, a mother of 19, 17 and 14-year-olds. She began researching the topic when her oldest son was in eighth grade and published her findings in a book. “Never Enough: When Achievement Culture becomes Toxic—And What We Can Do About It” was published last year.
“It’s not about achievement,” Wallace told Fortune of what she learned. “This is how we started talking about achievement.”
In the most extreme cases, teens can spiral into substance abuse, isolation, depression, and suicidal thoughts when they feel constant pressure to achieve and believe they can’t live up to it.
But after conducting two national surveys of more than 6,000 parents and 500 young people as part of his research, Wallace is confident that children will succeed academically and emotionally and will be well-adjusted. We revealed important patterns for walking the path to becoming a mature adult. Below is some of Wallace’s advice on how parents can take shelter from the storm of toxic teenage pressure.
Share with your children the joy you feel in being a parent
Wallace says one of the first things parents can do is make their home a “safe haven” from the constant pressure to achieve at school or on social media.
To do this, Wallace says you should minimize criticism and prioritize love. She uses the phrase, “Greet me like my dog greets me,” when the kids come home. In other words, show your children the pure joy that comes from just being a parent. Instead of immediately asking for test scores as soon as you walk through the door, she says, you should ask, “How was it?”
It has turned the home into a place where “our kids never feel like they have to perform a certain way to be loved by us,” Wallace tells Fortune.
Help them understand that they are important beyond accomplishments.
One of the biggest lessons Wallace discovered in his research was the importance of “materiality.” She explains that when children do this, they feel valued and feel like they are adding value to the world around them. That feeling should go beyond your test scores, what college you went to, what you look like, and what accolades you receive.
“We love our children unconditionally, but they don’t always feel that we see them unconditionally,” says Wallace.
She finds that the children who struggle the most feel that their purpose is dependent on their grades and, as a result, shy away from taking big risks out of a fear of failure that robs them of their self-worth. I noticed.
But how do you make your children feel important? By getting to know them, says Wallace. Show them that at their core, they bring value to the world because of who they are. She shows that even noticing the little things about them – how funny they are, their little quirks that you love – shows that you value the whole person, not just their visible accomplishments. I say it will be.
According to Wallace, when children feel important, it acts as a “protective shield” and often has the added benefit of making them more successful. They are motivated to strive for a greater goal, regardless of the outcome, she says.
“By making things matter, we give our kids the kind of healthy fuel to accomplish things that are more meaningful than personal success and building a resume,” Wallace said. says. “It inspires our children to find purpose.”
To help you get to know your child, Wallace recommends the Values in Action survey to help parents and children better understand their children’s unique character strengths.
“Send a signal to your kids that you believe they can do this,” Wallace says. And if you can’t do that, let them know your love is unwavering, she added. “The main task of parents is to support the development of a child’s sense of self.”
Be their biggest supporter
It’s also important to ensure that your frustrations don’t negatively impact your schoolwork interactions.
If your child is struggling, instead of getting frustrated, start investigating the underlying reasons, suggests Wallace. Do they have social difficulties? Is your home workspace too distracting?
Wallace says parents can help their children stay focused on their work at home by planning with them, rather than focusing solely on work results. It’s often easier when parents consider their child’s strengths while being involved in the process. Parents are often wired to focus on what’s going wrong instead of focusing on what’s already going well, she says.
But Wallace says it’s important to “let your child know you’re part of a team,” and that means helping your child focus on their strengths.
Be careful how you share your opinions
How you express your dissatisfaction is also important. If you get angry with them, Wallace says, be sure to “separate the act from the doer.” You may not like their behavior, but you have to let them know that you still love them.
“That’s really one of the hardest things for parents to do,” Wallace admits. This is especially true if you’re tired, stressed, or low on energy. Take a moment to calm down and get into the right mental state to express your feelings. This will help them understand that you don’t think badly of them, even if their behavior is bad.
Beware of state anxiety
For millennials who felt the financial burden and economic uncertainty of the 2008 recession and are now parents, they are helping their children financially by encouraging them to attend prestigious universities. Wallace says they are starting to “protect” their future. This is what she calls “status anxiety,” where parents put pressure on their children out of fear that they will face financial hardship if they don’t perform well.
The result, Wallace said, was added stress that the children didn’t need.
If you may be unconsciously externalizing state anxiety in the way you talk to your children, Wallace says the first step is to reflect and become aware. The next step is to clarify your values.
The best way to combat this, says Wallace, is to encourage both you and your children to activate status-seeking extrinsic values, such as valuing high test scores, high incomes, and appearance-oriented behaviors. The idea is to avoid being surrounded by messages that make you feel like you’re being bullied.
She recommends taking a close look at your calendar first. Are you prioritizing things that bring you intrinsic satisfaction, such as dinner with your family or time with friends?Wallace says you want to model behavior so that your children don’t prioritize pursuing extrinsic goals. says. When values are derived from status goals rather than meaningful purposes, it can lead to a lack of importance and self-esteem.
Also look at their calendars to see what values they’re spending their time on, she says.
remember to take care of yourself
Parents are also under a lot of pressure, Wallace said. The Surgeon General’s latest recommendations on parental wellbeing highlight economic strain, isolation and loneliness, and cultural pressures as just some of the factors driving the current mental health crisis for parents.
A survey Wallace conducted with Harvard University in early 2020 of more than 6,000 parents (published in his book) found that 83% of parents somewhat or strongly believed that their child’s academic success was a reflection of their parenting. Agreed. And now you may be panicking as you try to balance worrying about your children’s future with not rooting for them to succeed too arrogantly.
But if Wallace has one lesson for parents trying to cope with their own stress, it’s: “Never go through it alone.”
Instead, prioritize the strong support network you can build by being clear about your values. According to Wallace, valuing meaningful relationships not only reduces parental isolation through strong support systems, but also models core values and healthy behaviors for children.
“Being a parent has never been this difficult,” she says. “You deserve support…surround yourself with people who care about you.”
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