Editor’s note: The podcast Chasing Life With Dr. Sanjay Gupta explores the medicine behind life’s mysteries, big and small. You can listen to the episode here.
(CNN) — Ask most parents and they’ll tell you that raising children today is stressful. Because they don’t have enough time, money, or sleep. Endless responsibility. Lack of reliable childcare centers. Pressure related to social media. Unexpected illnesses and dramas. The list goes on.
In fact, modern parenting is so stressful that the U.S. Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, recently named parental stress a public health problem and recommended changes at both the policy and cultural levels. Announced.
The country’s top doctor’s recommendations state that “stress, when severe or prolonged, can have harmful effects” and that “41% of parents say they are too stressed to function most days. 48% say they feel stressed most days.” Their stress is completely overwhelming compared to other adults (20% and 26% respectively). ”
The effects of this stress are not limited to parents. They trickle down to the kids too.
But life doesn’t have to be that way, says Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist specializing in parenting who rose to fame during the pandemic.
“It’s mostly pride, like, ‘I’m screwed.’ I’m taking care of my kids, and I’m running myself into the ground,” she recently told CNN chief medical correspondent Sanjay. He spoke on Dr. Gupta’s podcast, Chasing Life.
“And I’m going to simply say: no, no, no, no. Selflessness scares me,” she said.
Kennedy, or Dr. Becky as she is known on social media, is the author of several books, including “UTZ Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be.” She co-founded the company and co-developed the app of the same name (UTZ CERTIFIED).
Kennedy wants parents to first put on an oxygen mask before helping their children, just like when boarding a plane.
You can listen to all episodes of the podcast here.
Kennedy said raising children has always been difficult, but the online nature of modern life – smartphones, iPads, social media and video games – has made people expect immediate rewards without much effort. He said it was being rewired.
“There’s very little you can do. When you put your thumb on the iPad, all of a sudden you get a rush of dopamine that makes you feel excited and satisfied,” she said. “In most things in life, whether it’s love, parenting, or learning math, you have to put in a lot of effort to get gratification, even if it’s delayed or very delayed.”
But instead, we wire our brains to get instant gratification with less effort, she says. “That goes pretty counter to what actually helps people function in the world.”
Mr Kennedy said having children was “a huge inconvenience”, but thanks to the instant convenience provided by technology, people expected parenting to be smooth sailing all the time. And this expectation colors our perception.
“My circuitry has changed so I can no longer tolerate the unique pain that comes with parenting,” she said. “And my experience of how difficult these moments are is that I actually view them as more difficult based on the convenience built into every other moment in my life. It means that
What can you do to reset your expectations and gradually lower your or your child’s stress levels? Kennedy has five tips.
Running ragged to please everyone is not healthy.
“Children don’t need selfless martyrs. Children need strong leaders,” Kennedy said in an email. “And taking care of your own needs is an important part of avoiding parental burnout.”
Therefore, it is important to set boundaries. “Boundaries might mean, ‘I’m not available right now, so I’m sitting down and having a cup of coffee,’ or ‘I’m taking a walk by myself.’ I’ll be back in 20 minutes. Love.” ” she said.
Kennedy warned that instead of supporting you, your children would protest. “That’s okay. You can validate the other person’s feelings while still maintaining your own boundaries,” she said. “This is what good parenting is all about.”
So grab a coffee and take a walk. If not completely at peace, then without guilt.
Treat yourself the same way you would treat someone who has a hard job and is struggling.
“I promise you, self-compassion is not dangerous, so try it today. This job of raising children is hard, and we often forget to recognize and respect what we are in control of. ,” Kennedy said. “Feel free to use my go-to mantra: ‘If parenting feels hard, it’s because it’s hard.’ Put your hand on your chest and repeat these words until your body softens a little. ”
There. Wouldn’t it feel good not to have to get it 100% right all the time?
When you make a parenting mistake, like throwing a tantrum or not keeping a promise, make up for it.
“There is no such thing as a perfect parent,” Kennedy said, noting that the children’s mother is not Dr. Becky. “Everyone has moments they wish they could take back, so remember that children don’t need perfect parents; children need repairing parents.”
If you’re new to this restoration, Kennedy provides examples to help you get started. That must have been scary. I try to stay calm even when I get irritated. I love you. ”
You don’t have to do it alone.
“Remember this: Emotions don’t cause us problems any more than feeling alone in our emotions causes us problems,” Kennedy said. “Find a friend, a parenting group, or an open-minded online community to share your story.”
If you don’t know where to start, she recommends phrases like “This stage of parenting is really hard” and “I want to be honest, but I’m feeling overwhelmed and pretty tired.”
You might be surprised at how many people you can relate to, and you’ll never feel so alone.
Sharing your feelings with others can not only make you feel less alone, but can also lead to new solutions.
“Parenting is one of the hardest and most important jobs in the world, and yet it’s a job for which there is no training, no resources, no support,” Kennedy said. “This system is truly against us! Seeking support is not a sign that there is something wrong with you or your child. It is a sign that you are prioritizing your and your child’s mental health.” And that’s something to be proud of.”
Support can come from therapists, pediatricians, trusted friends, parenting groups, online communities, podcasts, TED talks, and even how-to books.
I hope these five tips help you take a little breather. Listen to the full episode here. Join us next week on the Chasing Life podcast as we speak with experts about how microplastics can affect our bodies and health.
