Children experience events both big and small and can feel overwhelmed and discouraged. Perhaps they need to get through a dreaded math test or have school-related anxiety about bullying that happened in the schoolyard.
“Remember, children are sponges. They absorb much of what’s going on in their environment, even if they think they’re not listening,” says Fran, a child psychologist on Long Island, New York. says Dr. Sean Seltzer. It can be hard to know how to help them get through this situation beyond checking in or asking questions, but there are simple words you can say to encourage them.
We asked experts for the best advice for kids needing a little pick-me-up. So if your child is having a difficult time and needs your help, here are five things to tell them.
Illustration: Emma Dervick
“Your feelings are valid.”
“Before you start moving in the right direction, recognize what’s bringing your child down and validate their feelings,” says Dr. Jaclyn Schlisky, a licensed clinical psychologist who works with children in Boca Raton, Florida. ” he says. She suggests actually digging into the negative a bit and refraining from saying things like “okay” or “okay” because you don’t want your child to feel like their thoughts and feelings are being erased. I am.
Researchers have found that validation is critical because it helps regulate stress, promotes learning, strengthens self-identity, and fosters a sense of camaraderie. Invalidation, on the other hand, tells the other person that their description or feelings about their experience are “wrong.” Naturally, this can escalate negative emotions and damage relationships.
So, if your kindergartener tells you that he’s sad about not being able to attend his birthday party, be understanding. Say something like, “I’m sad about that too.” Then, reframe the conversation by offering a workaround. Try saying something like, “Why don’t you plan what kind of craft you can make for your friend’s birthday and then drop it off when you feel better?”
“There are signs of hope.”
Dr. Shlisky recommends the following pattern:
Follow activities that increase your child’s excitement by providing positive affirmations that validate emotions
Please point out the silver lining. No matter how bad something seems, there is always a good side or a “silver lining” to be found.
“It’s important that young children have something new to look forward to most days,” says Dr. Schlisky. Children rely on predictable routines that give them something to look forward to and look forward to. So when faced with disappointment, inserting something to look forward to can help you move forward.
Even if that “silver lining” is an after-dinner family walk, a movie night, or a lunchtime board game, make it happen. It will enrich their day more than you can imagine.
“Please try again”
“When your child is struggling with a task, it’s helpful to say something like, ‘I feel like I’m not good at it yet because I haven’t practiced, but the more I practice, the better I’ll get. ” says Dr. Schlisky. It is important to emphasize the “yet” and follow up with examples of what you have overcome with practice.
And be sure to acknowledge and point out when your child is working on something, regardless of the outcome. “Even if your kindergartener still struggles with subtraction, praise their persistence and make a big effort to celebrate with them when they finally succeed,” she says.
Just make sure your child benefits from overcoming challenges and resist the urge to take over. Researchers have found that when parents take on difficult tasks, children tend to be less persistent.
You can also reward your child for small achievements. If your child’s writing assignment has all the spellings correct, then M&Ms and jelly beans, for example, are fine. “Some kids need a little more effort, so if they’re dependent on the task to complete the task, do what you have to do to help them. Gradually reduce the treats as children begin to generate more correct answers,” suggests Dr. Schlisky.
Some research has shown that rewarding children for tasks they enjoy can reduce their enjoyment and intrinsic motivation. Instead, reward less desirable task-dependent activities. This is very effective in motivating children. The key is to give small rewards right away and gradually phase out the rewards as children develop more skills and independence.
“You can be brave.”
If you want your children to have courage, you must lead by example and shout courage. “Let your child see you step outside of your comfort zone,” says Dr. Schlisky.
Learning how to ride a bike, rollerblade, and cartwheel without training wheels is a great opportunity for kids to practice being brave. Dr. Schlisky says that when children are surrounded by family and trying new things, they are more likely to ask for extra help from a parent or sibling.
If you’re learning how to ride a two-wheeler, you can show your child there’s nothing to be afraid of by going outside after lunch and spending a few minutes riding your bike every day. If your kids think dancing makes them look stupid, throw a dance party together and give it your all (kids will love to tease you and you won’t have to worry about yourself). ).
“When the moment comes to test your character in front of your child, show them the strength to step out of your comfort zone. This will create a sense of belonging, and your child will understand.” ” said the doctor. Schlisky says.
“Find your calm”
Children often become irritable throughout childhood as they learn to be independent. However, you must learn how to deal with frustration and process it in a productive way. By leading by example, you can help students process complaints faster.
Take the time to connect with your child, listen to their complaints and concerns, and try to understand why they feel the way they do. Say things like, “I can see you’re upset,” or “You seem really frustrated.”
Acknowledging their nature will help you get to the heart of what is bothering them. Additionally, naming emotions also helps children learn how to verbalize the physical sensations they experience.
Dr. Zeltzer suggests brainstorming ways to calm your child down when they start to get frustrated with schoolwork or when you have to stay home again on a rainy day. Some ideas are:
Sit in your favorite chair or sofa and relax. While listening to your favorite song, close your eyes and take 10 deep breaths.
All of these meditative practices are great ways to help your child manage their emotions. Over time, your child will develop the habit of going to a quiet place and using calming techniques that work for him.
Key Takaway
When your child is worried, it can be tempting to jump in to solve the problem or relieve frustration. However, these conflicts can be a learning opportunity for them. By offering advice that affirms and supports them, you are giving them the gift of resilience and tenacity that will last a lifetime.
