As a parent of teenagers, I know how easy it is to constantly second-guess yourself and focus on everything you’re doing wrong. After all, there are articles, books, TikTok videos, and lots of people telling us how we are messing up our teens, what we should be doing and not doing, etc. Masu. That way, your teenager will quickly let you know that you’re wrong too. They have no problem making you feel like they don’t “get it” or that you’re the worst parent in the world.
Shhh! Raising children is hard! U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy recently highlighted that parents are experiencing more stress and pressure than ever before, calling this an “urgent public health issue.”
Raising teenagers is tough and things can seem bleak at times, but the good news is of course. Give yourself a big pat on the back if you do any of the following: I won!
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1. You still show them affection.
got it. When your child is small, they are more cuddly and are the perfect size for bear hugs. Teenagers are big, tall, sometimes smelly, and way too cool to be hugged by mom or dad.
Dr. Cameron (Cam) Caswell, an adolescent psychologist known as the “Teen Translator,” says that despite their aloofness, teens still want and need affection. speak They just need it in a different way than they did when they were younger. “If your teen bristles at your hugs and kisses, and instead of withdrawing or getting upset, you can adapt to your child’s changing needs by giving them a shoulder squeeze or a fist bump. It’s a win,” says Dr. Kam.
2. Be involved, but not overbearing.
“Teens want to feel independent, but they also want to know that their parents care about them,” says Louisville, Ky., a psychologist. says Dr. Nick Buck, CEO of Grace Psychological Services. It can be difficult to find the sweet spot between giving yourself too much control and giving yourself too much freedom, but it’s worth it. “When parents achieve this balance, they foster a relationship based on mutual respect and trust,” says Dr. Bach. “It also gives teens room to grow while knowing they have a safety net of support.”
Dr. Carla Naumburg, LICSW, a clinical social worker and author of You Are Not a Sh*tty Parent: How to Practice Self-Compassion and Give Yourself a Break, agrees. “It’s powerful to stay involved while letting kids make their own decisions and mistakes, whether it’s getting to know their friends, helping them with class, or taking them out for coffee or breakfast for a little one-on-one connection.” “It’s a great way to let your kids know how much you care,” she says.
3. Respect your teen’s privacy.
It’s natural to want to know what’s going on in your teen’s life. If you can resist the temptation to snoop through their stuff, it’s worth celebrating. “Respecting your teen’s privacy shows trust,” Dr. Bach says. “It shows that you believe in their ability to handle different aspects of their lives independently. This respect for privacy allows teens to feel more autonomy and responsibility.” They can often be more open and communicative because they don’t feel the need to hide things from you.
Another benefit of giving your teen privacy is that they can learn from your example. “By respecting other people’s boundaries, you teach them to respect other people’s boundaries,” says Dr. Kam.
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Of course, respecting your teen’s privacy doesn’t mean turning a blind eye. “You don’t have to completely separate yourself from your teenagers to give them privacy,” says the mother of three teenagers, author of the forthcoming book You’re Not a Failure, My Whitney Fleming, author of “Teen Doesn’t Like Me Both.” “We need to have a lot of conversations about appropriate and safe communication, behavior, and self-care.”
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4. Apologize when you’re wrong.
If you say “I’m sorry” to your teen after overreacting or jumping to conclusions, I respect you. “Apologizing when you’re wrong shows teens that everyone makes mistakes, but it’s how they deal with those mistakes that matters,” Dr. Bach says. “This behavior builds trust and respect in the parent-teen relationship because when parents admit their mistakes, teens feel more understood and accepted.”
5. Don’t rush to “fix” everything.
When your teen comes to you with a problem, your first instinct may be to immediately offer advice or solutions. “We forget that it’s our job to prepare our children for the world, not to fix everything for them,” Fleming says. Here’s her advice: “Let them (try) and fail while you can still lead.” When you step back and become a sounding board for your teen to work things out, you can increase their independence and problem-solving. Develops solving skills.
6. Listen first, then speak.
“Active listening is important in any relationship, but it’s especially true for teens who don’t feel heard,” says Dr. Buck. “Listening first and then talking validates your teen’s feelings and experiences.” This helps keep communication open and means your teen means they’re likely to come to you with concerns or issues, he says.
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7. You praise your teen.
Just as you may feel like all you’re receiving is negative feedback, teens feel that way too, from parents, peers, society, and even themselves. “Rather than just correcting mistakes, focus on recognizing and acknowledging what your teen is good at,” says Dr. Kam. “This increases their positive behavior, increases their self-esteem, and strengthens your connection with them.”
This doesn’t mean you should praise just for the sake of complimenting. Dr. Naumburg says it shows through in teenagers. To be more authentic, she recommends noticing and acknowledging when your teen overcomes a challenge, steps out of their comfort zone, or works harder than usual.
8. You don’t always say, “When I was your age…”
“Teenagers aren’t looking for ongoing life lessons; they’re looking for someone to empathize with and offer support in their struggles,” Fleming said. say. That support shouldn’t center on what you did when you were their age or how hard things were. Just avoid using this line (and similar lines) and you’ll be fine.
9. Have fun together.
If you and your teenager can fool around together from time to time, consider it a win. Share jokes, play with each other, and be funny on social media. “There’s nothing more soothing than a good laugh, and it’s great for parents and children to relax,” says Dr. Naumburg.
10 Take care of yourself.
Parents are experiencing more burnout, feelings of isolation and loneliness, according to the Surgeon General’s report. You can’t parent your best child unless you’re your best self. Good news. “As your teen is growing up and becoming more independent, they’re probably a little more flexible in how they spend their time,” says Dr. Naumburg. So if you’re making time to get enough sleep, relax, move, play with friends, and have fun, you’re doing a great job.
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Tamekia Reece is a freelance writer in Houston, Texas, specializing in women’s health, parenting, and economics.
